I have been a bad blogger lately

I think January can go down in the books as the worst month ever for us.
Failed IVF
Lost my job due to company restructure
and I can't stay well! I have pretty much been sick this entire month! I am OVER it!

We are counting down the days until this month is over.

I have stayed so busy since the lay off. I immediately started on my resume and Brian helped me perfect it. Job searching is definitely a full time job! But I had one interview with a dermatology company last week. Then another with a company selling children's nutrition products tomorrow, and a third interview for a diabetes position. I am so glad that there are jobs out there.

ideally, my dream job would be to do something for animal rights-rescue. I would love that so much! But unfortunately there is no money to be made there. Hopefully we will be in a position one day where I can make that dream come true. Until then I will continue to do it during my free time :)

On the baby front we have not really done much since operation: Find a job has been at the top of the list. i think about it all the time though and just wish I could figure it out. I am wondering if this is God's way of telling us that I don't need to carry a baby. I have always been sickly with asthma, allergies and sinus issues. maybe a pregnancy would be too much on my body?
We have talked to several adoption agencies but think we may pursue private adoption first and see what happens. I also want to be very healthy- physically and mentally before we do a frozen cycle with the frozen embryos. The idea of adoption first, then frozen cycle is becoming more and more appealing to me. I am honestly scared of all of the meds that come with IVF cycles. It is just so much and I am afraid of long term side effects. As much as I have put my body through recently it is begging for a break.

Has anyone pursued private adoption? I appreciate any insight.

Now that I have more time I am going to blog more often. Hopefully some great things are in store for the rest of the year. I do believe we can only go up from here as bad as this month has been!

a hard week...

I know several of you guys have sent me messages asking if I still have my job. Unfortunately I was part of the "restructure" and was one of many that were displaced. It's always disappointing to leave a job that you truly love. And even though it had nothing to do with my performance my feelings are hurt and I am sad, mad and about 1000 other emotions!
Luckily they have a package they offered us that gives me a little "security" for a while. It's a lot to process right now in the midst of everything else going on with infertility. I am so glad we got both of our IVF cycles in last year as I had fertility insurance which is super rare and I was extremely fortunate to have. I just pray I can find an even better job that I love as much as I did my previous one.
I am looking forward to a bit of down time and regrouping. I really need it right now. I got up this am and went to Pure Barre and am going to enjoy lunch with a good friend who is in town.
If anyone has any medical sales recruiter info, I would love any information!
I know God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but I am getting pretty close!
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers

Love-
lauren

good song...

Always loved this song but especially now!!!!!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9h5X0PbJnvI

can I catch a break, PLEASE?

THANK YOU ALL FOR THE SUPPORT OVER THE LAST WEEK! IT HAS HELPED EACH DAY GET BETTER.

I have tried to keep myself as busy as possible by working, etc. Monday I ended up having to get a sinus cocktail shot for the never ending sinus infection I developed Jan 1- just couldn't stay away from shots!!!

Unfortunately my company is doing a restructure and I should know by next week if I will have a job. I know there is never a good time to lose a job, but right now could not be worse timing. I am not mentally prepared to interview and look for another job. The medical sales world is brutal and the interview process is hell. I am praying I will not be part of this lay off. I have been with this company for almost 5 years and really love my job. I am worried because there are 2 memphis reps- myself and another. I have a feeling they will condense down to one rep. I am just trying to take this one day at a time. But last night it hit me that I feel like I don't have control of anything in my life right now. It is such a terrible feeling and super scary. I hate it! Hopefully I can catch a break soon.

I talked to my wonderful doctor yesterday and we discussed my IVF cycle. Since it took me so long to STIM, his conclusion is that it has to do with my egg quality which is the reason I am not getting pregnant. That was definitely disappointing to hear. But right now we are done with fertility treatments. I need to give my body a break. He also told me that one IVF cycle equals 2 years of trying naturally. And my chances of conceiving naturally are only 2% a month. It is highly likely I will never have a pregnancy but I am dealing with that trying to process this. I do have our frozen embryos, but am being super protective over them. I am not ready to try a frozen cycle. Something is not working and my body certainly needs some down time. I want to use them when I feel healthier and ready. We are looking into adoption and that seems to be where our heads are at right now. That is also super overwhelming! We have talked to several agencies and how in the world do you select one? We are also looking at private adoption ideas. Just wish I had a crystal ball with the answers.

Since I seem to have no control over anything in my life I decided to start exercising to escape and lose the 15 lbs I have gained through IVF. If I can't be pregnant I am going to be skinny dang it!!!!!!! I started Pure Barre and am in love with it. Most cities have a studio and it is the best escape. It's such a great workout too! It's definitely not easy, but I have already lost a few pounds. I highly rec it for fast results and a 55 minute getaway from life.
http://purebarre.com/

When?

I feel like I am walking around in a daze. I am so angry and then upset. I feel like I am going to come out of my skin. UGH. I hate all of these emotions. I have had no motivation and just feel helpless. This is way worse than August was. I wish I could wake up and this all be a bad dream. When do these horrible emotions go away? This is truly the worst I have felt ever.

I have started trying to process everything and I am scared to death. This should have worked. My wonderful dr (who has checked in w me everyday to make sure I am ok- can't say enough good things about TRM. He has been in our shoes several times before!) was confident it was going to. Everything went well and SO much better than last time! WHY can't I get pregnant? It makes no sense. I know IVF can be a numbers game, but you can only be defeated so long before you give up.
I am afraid to even use any of the 3 embryos at this point because if my body is not getting pregnant, then what's the point? I would rather save them to use later hoping that something might change then. There is no way in hell I want to do a fresh IVF cycle. No way. We spent 9 out of 12 months last year on meds and doing treatments. My body seriously needs a break. I am 100% not myself and am just exhausted with all of this.

But I am afraid. I don't even remember what life was like before infertility. We have been so focused for so long. To not take meds, shots have ultrasounds, blood work, etc. would be a whole different way of life. I am ready for it but truly afraid at the same time. I will be 35 this year and the fear of us never having a biological child is extremely real. It sucks and makes me mad at God. I watch the news here and just want to beat the crap out of people who are so awful and call themselves parents. This is all so painful.

Failure is the worst feeling in the world. I want to just pick myself up and try again but enough is enough. And as I said, all of these meds can't be good for me. I don't want to just stop everything and take a break. We have talked to several people-agencies about adoption and will make a decision as to what our next steps will be soon. We started looking into this before IVF after our IUI's did not work. Dr. Murray and I are going to talk this week or weekend. I haven't been able to talk to him yet bc I am so emotional and don't want to spend our conversation crying. It will help to talk to him. I just wish I had started with him from the start in October of 2010 when I picked a RE.

thank you for the outpouring of love and support. It makes this hell we are going through a little easier. Thank you all!

adoption

I know many of my blogger friends have adopted or are in the process of adopting. I wanted to find out which agencies you have worked with and what your experience is-was like. We have talked to several agencies starting last Spring after our failed IUI's but wanted to pursue the most aggressive form of fertility treatment with IVF before we made any decisions. and with my fertility insurance it made sense.
Would love any insight! LaurenHYoakum@gmail.com is my email.
And thank you for all of your words of encouragement. I am still numb and broken hearted, angry, confused and about 1,000 other emotions. This is certainly the worst thing I have ever been through in my life and extremely hard to understand. I am so glad that I was off work today and had another day to just process this. I am still in my pajamas at 3:30 but deserve this today. Just hope I have the strength to make it through the rest of the week.
Not a fan of 2012 so far!

failure

Unfortunately I don't have any good news. IVF #2 did not work.
So heartbroken and heard to understand.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers during this hard time.

a weekend get away from infertility???

Still no news on beta. this is absolute hell. Complete torture.

I was thinking. 2011 has been a really crappy year for so many of us struggling with infertility. I know I am ready for a break! We have a lake house at a lake (Horseshoe lake Arkansas) about 40 minutes from memphis. It is nothing fancy and we share it with other members since it's a fishing club. It has 4 bedrooms and each bedroom has a queen and 3 twin beds, equaling 16 beds total. It's like camp piling in with friends and family!

I was thinking it would be so fun to get a group together and have a much needed weekend get away! There is a wonderful dock to relax on and we also have a ski boat with water skiis, tube, wake board, etc..The porch is heaven with rocking chairs and swings. There is a fun little restaurant with the best people watching and karaoke too, Which is hilarious watching some of the locals. It's truly our home away form home in the summer. Oh there is also a huge kitchen and grills so we have the option to cook.

I Would love to have a weekend away from infertility this spring. If anybody is interested let me know. It starts getting warm here in April, but mid may or june would be ideal since the water would be swimming temp by then.
let me know if you might be interested and we could coordinate dates. If people wanted to bring husbands, we could make that work too!
here are a few pictures- It has been completely painted and had some renovations done and looks a million times better.