The Yoakum crew... and a foster dog or 2!

I have been a bad blogger lately

2012-01-29T18:45:00.001-08:00

I think January can go down in the books as the worst month ever for us.
Failed IVF
Lost my job due to company restructure
and I can't stay well! I have pretty much been sick this entire month! I am OVER it!

We are counting down the days until this month is over.

I have stayed so busy since the lay off. I immediately started on my resume and Brian helped me perfect it. Job searching is definitely a full time job! But I had one interview with a dermatology company last week. Then another with a company selling children's nutrition products tomorrow, and a third interview for a diabetes position. I am so glad that there are jobs out there.

ideally, my dream job would be to do something for animal rights-rescue. I would love that so much! But unfortunately there is no money to be made there. Hopefully we will be in a position one day where I can make that dream come true. Until then I will continue to do it during my free time :)

On the baby front we have not really done much since operation: Find a job has been at the top of the list. i think about it all the time though and just wish I could figure it out. I am wondering if this is God's way of telling us that I don't need to carry a baby. I have always been sickly with asthma, allergies and sinus issues. maybe a pregnancy would be too much on my body?
We have talked to several adoption agencies but think we may pursue private adoption first and see what happens. I also want to be very healthy- physically and mentally before we do a frozen cycle with the frozen embryos. The idea of adoption first, then frozen cycle is becoming more and more appealing to me. I am honestly scared of all of the meds that come with IVF cycles. It is just so much and I am afraid of long term side effects. As much as I have put my body through recently it is begging for a break.

Has anyone pursued private adoption? I appreciate any insight.

Now that I have more time I am going to blog more often. Hopefully some great things are in store for the rest of the year. I do believe we can only go up from here as bad as this month has been!

a hard week...

2012-01-20T08:39:00.000-08:00

I know several of you guys have sent me messages asking if I still have my job. Unfortunately I was part of the "restructure" and was one of many that were displaced. It's always disappointing to leave a job that you truly love. And even though it had nothing to do with my performance my feelings are hurt and I am sad, mad and about 1000 other emotions!
Luckily they have a package they offered us that gives me a little "security" for a while. It's a lot to process right now in the midst of everything else going on with infertility. I am so glad we got both of our IVF cycles in last year as I had fertility insurance which is super rare and I was extremely fortunate to have. I just pray I can find an even better job that I love as much as I did my previous one.
I am looking forward to a bit of down time and regrouping. I really need it right now. I got up this am and went to Pure Barre and am going to enjoy lunch with a good friend who is in town.
If anyone has any medical sales recruiter info, I would love any information!
I know God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but I am getting pretty close!
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers

Love-
lauren

good song...

2012-01-12T15:05:00.000-08:00

Always loved this song but especially now!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9h5X0PbJnvI

can I catch a break, PLEASE?

2012-01-12T13:01:00.000-08:00

THANK YOU ALL FOR THE SUPPORT OVER THE LAST WEEK! IT HAS HELPED EACH DAY GET BETTER.

I have tried to keep myself as busy as possible by working, etc. Monday I ended up having to get a sinus cocktail shot for the never ending sinus infection I developed Jan 1- just couldn't stay away from shots!!!

Unfortunately my company is doing a restructure and I should know by next week if I will have a job. I know there is never a good time to lose a job, but right now could not be worse timing. I am not mentally prepared to interview and look for another job. The medical sales world is brutal and the interview process is hell. I am praying I will not be part of this lay off. I have been with this company for almost 5 years and really love my job. I am worried because there are 2 memphis reps- myself and another. I have a feeling they will condense down to one rep. I am just trying to take this one day at a time. But last night it hit me that I feel like I don't have control of anything in my life right now. It is such a terrible feeling and super scary. I hate it! Hopefully I can catch a break soon.

I talked to my wonderful doctor yesterday and we discussed my IVF cycle. Since it took me so long to STIM, his conclusion is that it has to do with my egg quality which is the reason I am not getting pregnant. That was definitely disappointing to hear. But right now we are done with fertility treatments. I need to give my body a break. He also told me that one IVF cycle equals 2 years of trying naturally. And my chances of conceiving naturally are only 2% a month. It is highly likely I will never have a pregnancy but I am dealing with that trying to process this. I do have our frozen embryos, but am being super protective over them. I am not ready to try a frozen cycle. Something is not working and my body certainly needs some down time. I want to use them when I feel healthier and ready. We are looking into adoption and that seems to be where our heads are at right now. That is also super overwhelming! We have talked to several agencies and how in the world do you select one? We are also looking at private adoption ideas. Just wish I had a crystal ball with the answers.

Since I seem to have no control over anything in my life I decided to start exercising to escape and lose the 15 lbs I have gained through IVF. If I can't be pregnant I am going to be skinny dang it!!!!!!! I started Pure Barre and am in love with it. Most cities have a studio and it is the best escape. It's such a great workout too! It's definitely not easy, but I have already lost a few pounds. I highly rec it for fast results and a 55 minute getaway from life.
http://purebarre.com/

When?

2012-01-03T15:50:00.000-08:00

I feel like I am walking around in a daze. I am so angry and then upset. I feel like I am going to come out of my skin. UGH. I hate all of these emotions. I have had no motivation and just feel helpless. This is way worse than August was. I wish I could wake up and this all be a bad dream. When do these horrible emotions go away? This is truly the worst I have felt ever.

I have started trying to process everything and I am scared to death. This should have worked. My wonderful dr (who has checked in w me everyday to make sure I am ok- can't say enough good things about TRM. He has been in our shoes several times before!) was confident it was going to. Everything went well and SO much better than last time! WHY can't I get pregnant? It makes no sense. I know IVF can be a numbers game, but you can only be defeated so long before you give up.
I am afraid to even use any of the 3 embryos at this point because if my body is not getting pregnant, then what's the point? I would rather save them to use later hoping that something might change then. There is no way in hell I want to do a fresh IVF cycle. No way. We spent 9 out of 12 months last year on meds and doing treatments. My body seriously needs a break. I am 100% not myself and am just exhausted with all of this.

But I am afraid. I don't even remember what life was like before infertility. We have been so focused for so long. To not take meds, shots have ultrasounds, blood work, etc. would be a whole different way of life. I am ready for it but truly afraid at the same time. I will be 35 this year and the fear of us never having a biological child is extremely real. It sucks and makes me mad at God. I watch the news here and just want to beat the crap out of people who are so awful and call themselves parents. This is all so painful.

Failure is the worst feeling in the world. I want to just pick myself up and try again but enough is enough. And as I said, all of these meds can't be good for me. I don't want to just stop everything and take a break. We have talked to several people-agencies about adoption and will make a decision as to what our next steps will be soon. We started looking into this before IVF after our IUI's did not work. Dr. Murray and I are going to talk this week or weekend. I haven't been able to talk to him yet bc I am so emotional and don't want to spend our conversation crying. It will help to talk to him. I just wish I had started with him from the start in October of 2010 when I picked a RE.

thank you for the outpouring of love and support. It makes this hell we are going through a little easier. Thank you all!

adoption

2012-01-02T13:14:00.000-08:00

I know many of my blogger friends have adopted or are in the process of adopting. I wanted to find out which agencies you have worked with and what your experience is-was like. We have talked to several agencies starting last Spring after our failed IUI's but wanted to pursue the most aggressive form of fertility treatment with IVF before we made any decisions. and with my fertility insurance it made sense.
Would love any insight! LaurenHYoakum@gmail.com is my email.
And thank you for all of your words of encouragement. I am still numb and broken hearted, angry, confused and about 1,000 other emotions. This is certainly the worst thing I have ever been through in my life and extremely hard to understand. I am so glad that I was off work today and had another day to just process this. I am still in my pajamas at 3:30 but deserve this today. Just hope I have the strength to make it through the rest of the week.
Not a fan of 2012 so far!

failure

2012-01-01T14:31:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately I don't have any good news. IVF #2 did not work.
So heartbroken and heard to understand.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers during this hard time.

a weekend get away from infertility???

2012-01-01T11:56:00.000-08:00

Still no news on beta. this is absolute hell. Complete torture.

I was thinking. 2011 has been a really crappy year for so many of us struggling with infertility. I know I am ready for a break! We have a lake house at a lake (Horseshoe lake Arkansas) about 40 minutes from memphis. It is nothing fancy and we share it with other members since it's a fishing club. It has 4 bedrooms and each bedroom has a queen and 3 twin beds, equaling 16 beds total. It's like camp piling in with friends and family!

I was thinking it would be so fun to get a group together and have a much needed weekend get away! There is a wonderful dock to relax on and we also have a ski boat with water skiis, tube, wake board, etc..The porch is heaven with rocking chairs and swings. There is a fun little restaurant with the best people watching and karaoke too, Which is hilarious watching some of the locals. It's truly our home away form home in the summer. Oh there is also a huge kitchen and grills so we have the option to cook.

I Would love to have a weekend away from infertility this spring. If anybody is interested let me know. It starts getting warm here in April, but mid may or june would be ideal since the water would be swimming temp by then.
let me know if you might be interested and we could coordinate dates. If people wanted to bring husbands, we could make that work too!
here are a few pictures- It has been completely painted and had some renovations done and looks a million times better.

Guardian angel

2011-12-31T10:18:00.000-08:00

Last Sunday my father came over for a Christmas night gathering. Before the rest of the family arrived he gave me something so incredibly special. A guardian angel cross. Virginia- my stepmother sent this with my dad since she couldn't travel from Knoxville with him this year. I want to share why this angel is a miracle worker and love having her by our side.
Here is what she said in the letter enclosed with the angel:

Christmas 2011
Lauren-
I am passing my angel to you. She has performed 3 miracles since I started passing her down. Here is the true story.
One of my employees was diagnosed with melanoma. I gave her what I called my guardian angel. She kept it with her always and was declared cancer free after several years. She kept the angel until she knew it was time to pass it back to me when I was very concerned about your dad's high blood pressure. One day she wrote me a note and told me how the angel had helped her and that now it was time to let her help me.
I had it for several years and your dad got better. Then a few years ago another employee of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer. I knew it was time to again pass my angel on to someone else. After all her surgery, chemo and radiation she has been declared cancer free. She returned the angel to me because she wanted me to have it to give to someone else when she was needed again.
I was thinking about you and Brian and then I remembered my angel and decided she needs to go to you. If nothing else maybe you can be comforted knowing the miracles she has helped happen. Keep her with you and pray. It has worked and maybe it can work just one more time for you and Brian.
I wish you and brian nothing but the best and hope for at least one miracle baby.

Virginia

I have heled this angel tight and kept her with me at all times. praying we can become her fourth miracle! The back of her says "Angels shall guard thee"

thoughts...

2011-12-31T08:37:00.000-08:00

24 more hours. I can't even describe how nervous I am!

Tomorrow we find out if we will be parents. If my mom and Kim, Dad and Virginia, and Linda will be grandparents. If our 3 grandmothers will be great grandmothers. If our sisters- Jennifer, Margaret and Mary will be aunts. If our brother in law, Jimmy will be an uncle. And our brother KC and his wife janna will be an aunt and uncle. If James and Ella will be cousins. It is truly the biggest moment of our lives together so far!

I will never forget what it felt like in August to get the news that our IVF cycle did not work. I couldn't comprehend anything the nurse (who I had never met that called to give me the news which INFURIATED ME!) past the word negative. I hung up the phone and just cried and cried and cried. I think I cried for about a week straight. Thank God for brian being there and strong for us.
And for wine!
I am so scared to answer the phone tomorrow! I do not EVER want to feel that horrible pain again. It was similar to getting a call that someone had passed away. Dr. Murray, who I could go on about all day long and how phenomenal of a dr he is, will be the one to call us with the results. The way it SHOULD be! He has been so incredibly kind and wonderful to us. Whatever the outcome, it will be more comforting to hear from him.

This cycle has been a difficult one. We were away from home for the majority of December. I started off very slow, but things certainly turned around. We made it to a 5 day transfer as opposed to a 3 day transfer. My estrogen was almost 4000 compared to 1000 with first IVF. I STIMMED for 18 days and ended my shot tally with around 90 injections. That's alot of meds my body has had to process and deal with. I am worried abut my egg quality not being the best and just praying so hard that my body was a better incubator for these embryos than anywhere else.
We have put everything into this IVF cycle. Starting with very specific instructions around diet (nothing cold, organic, no dairy, whole grains and a long list of others) herbs, visualization, chi gong and preparing my body for this per Dr. Judi- my acupuncture dr. I have seen her since August- once weekly, then 2 times a week starting in October. She wanted to create the best follicles and I followed her strict instructions from August on. Very hard lifestyle changes! She is the fertility guru and has a crazy good success rate. I hope and pray we are one of her successful couples!
As Brian constantly reminds me- we have done everything humanly possible that we can do.

I can certainly understand why Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM says that being diagnosed with infertility and failure after failure are the same emotions that a cancer patient goes through. I pray that the 8 months of this year that we have spent on fertility medicines or doing procedures will be finished. We are ready to be done. My body needs a break and just wants to have a healthy pregnancy.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be positive tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for all of your support- I seriously couldn't get through all of this without my outlet of blogging and your words of inspiration and encouragement!

Love-
lauren
Here's how much Follistim it took us to get my follicles ready! OUCH! (And of course Menopur, Lupron, Siazen, Dexamethasone, asprin, crinone, estradiol)
We filled 2 sharps containers this go round

out of the archives from the 90's, but great song

2011-12-30T10:12:00.000-08:00

couldn't think of a better song for today. I need to listen to this song over and over! Used to be one of my favorites back in the day- never would I have ever thought it would apply to trying to have a baby one day!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFXuk3uvWHc

Testing experiences

2011-12-30T07:22:00.001-08:00

So I gave in this am. I took a home test and it was negative. I am so sad.
I had the Clearblue Easy digital tests which I have heard are very accurate. Of course I pulled the test apart after to look at the stick to see what was going on with it and nothing. Just a dark line.
I wish I could get my beta tomorrow instead of Sunday to just close the door on 2011. I hate this year.
What have your experiences been with home tests before beta???? Rebecca, your blog was helpful with your pictures...Thanks!

I found a place to get my beta done on new years day!

2011-12-29T13:49:00.001-08:00

New Years day is going to have some tears involved. Either very happy tears or the worst feeling in the world tears. But thanks to a friend of mine, who is a nurse at a hospital in Memphis, who pulled some strings to make this happen! I am going to pre-register tomorrow so I just show up Sunday and they draw my blood, call my dr and he will give me the results.
Also, thanks to all of my friends who had ideas of places and tried to help me!

We hope to have some amazing news on Sunday!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Lord- please grant me patience AND improve my bad mood!

2011-12-28T16:04:00.001-08:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. We certainly did and I am so sad it's over. I love all the time we get with family and miss them all so much after Christmas. We came back after the transfer friday and I rested until Saturday (Christmas Eve) around 3. then we went to my aunt and uncles, then to brian's aunt and uncles for Christmas Eve. Then to my mom's Sunday for Christmas day! And we ended Christmas day with family at our house for pick up foods and cocktails for a few hours. I enjoyed my sparkling cider :)

The BEST Christmas present we received was the news that we have 2 frozen embryos! We were thrilled because the outlook on Friday was pretty grim for them. We have an ACB, and a CCB. VERY happy about this. And then the other in Memphis makes 3.

I have to say the 9 day wait is KILLING ME! I am analyzing any symptom and need to stop. I will say above all else, my mood has been terrible. I have been so emotional today- mad, upset, sad. I am praying this isn't PMS! If it is, then it's PMS on crack because I have never experienced this- haha! Did anybody else have these fits?

The Crinone is MUCH better to me than the PIO shots! Of course my chest is sore, but I am pretty sure that is a symptom of progesterone (praying that it means I am pregnant though!)

So...I can get my beta blood draw on Sunday. Which happens to be NEW YEARS DAY. UGH! I am in medical sales and have asked every nurse, dr, etc. to help me find a place but there is nowhere open being a holiday! I DO NOT want to wait until Monday!!!!!
If anyone has any ideas, please let me know. I am not afraid to show up in the ER if I have to!

Wishing you all the best during the last few days of 2011. I am SO ready to close the door on this year where we spent about 7 months on meds-fertility treatments!

Had to share this pic of my sweet husband being the best uncle in the world!

3 embryos transferred!

2011-12-23T18:30:00.000-08:00

We are home and I am resting. Everything went really well today. Our doctor suggested transferring 3, as 2 were early blast stage- not quite expanded blastocysts. he said he thought 2 would be expanded blasts by the afternoon, but the best place for them to be was in me! The rate of triplets is only 5% so we were ok with putting 3 in to enhance our chances of having at least one. He has never had anyone have triplets from transferring 3. 2 were from ICSI and one (the least strong of the 3) was the conventional form of IVF where they put everything in the dish and let them do their work.

There are 3 others that are still hanging on...PRAYING we have at least one to freeze. I admit I am terrified that we started with 17 and were down to 6 today. But I am very pleased that we made it to a 5 day transfer. We will know tomorrow if the others made it.
I can get my beta blood draw on January 1st...New years Day! How amazing would it be to start the year off with incredible news! Now I have to find somewhere that can do a blood draw on new years! I am on a mission!!!

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. I feel really good about things and have done all I can do. It's up to God and my body. I am going to take it very easy this holiday season and enjoy letting these embabies get nice and comfy!

What's a night of bed rest without a fire, dogs and Christmas Vacation? :)

Hope everyone enjoys their holiday weekend and Merry Christmas!!!

DAY 4 UPDATE!

2011-12-22T07:09:00.000-08:00

We still have 8 in the game. One arrested last night, but she is keeping it in the dish to see what happens.
2 are morulas now (A solid mass of blastomeres that forms when the zygote splits; develops into the blastula) and 2 more look to almost be morulas- they have divided and are around 12-16 cells. The others are hanging tight around 5-8 cells, but are growing since they were 4-6 yesterday.
The next 24 hours are critical...they go from about 16 cells to around 250. They have lots of work to do today! PLEASE PRAY that they are strong enough to develop and survive this period and become a 5 day blastocyst! I am really nervous.

Here is more info about where we are that I found on a dr's blog...

So what happens after day 3? Two days later we would like it to be a blastocyst. The day before it becomes a blastocyst, it should be a morula. A morula forms when the 8 cell embryo divides further, and at the same time the cells become very close to each other. Here it’s difficult to see the borders of the cells, so the morula looks like one big blob. It ‘s solid in the middle. It’s still inside the shell. There are about 12-30 cells in a morula.

Most morulas (some write the pleural morulae, but most write it morulas) look about the same, so we don’t give them a number or a grade. We may say “nice” for a good one, but that’s about it.
Is it ok to transfer a morula? If your doctor wants to transfer your embryos on day 4, you will probably have morulas, but it will be hard for you to get a handle on quality. Most programs transfer day 3 or day 5. Day 4 transfer is ok, but most of us would say if you are waiting till day 4, just wait till day 5 so that the embryos have more time to grow, and quality can be better assessed.
What if on day 5 you are told the best embryos are morulas, not blastocysts? Not so good. I have had patients get back 2 morulas and become pregnant with twins. However the chances of pregnancy are much higher if you have blastocysts.
If there are morulas on day 5, isn’t it better to wait another day until they are blastocysts? No, because even if they become blasts on day 6 they are still a day behind. Rarely, we transfer on day 6. This may happen if , for example, there are 4 morulas and we want to give them, one more day to see which ones, if any, develop a little more.
Can we do anything to make the embryos grow faster? The same answer as last time. We try to change things up a bit next cycle, but there is no special drug protocol for slow embryos. Its just a matter of trying again and hoping for a better outcome.

Bedrest...your opinions please!

2011-12-22T05:42:00.000-08:00

OK fellow IVF veterans. Did you do bed rest? If so, how many days? For my first IVF I did pretty strict bed rest for 2-3ish days. My doctor is really big on studies (which I love) and he does not believe that I need to do that.
The first 5 hours after my transfer I will be in the car heading back to memphis. I then plan to take it very easy the rest of the day- night just lounging around. Saturday is Christmas Eve and my plan is to take it easy but then get out to go to 2 different family gatherings.
Just wanted to know your thoughts and what has worked best for you all! Thanks! :)

On another note, I am SO SAD I am missing one of my dearest friends, Elizabeth, come in town tonight from New Orleans. They are passing through heading to her parents in Arkansas for Christmas. :(

DAY 3 update!

2011-12-21T15:23:00.000-08:00

Things are still looking good for us! We have:
1 grade one
6 grade two
and 2 grade three

We will leave again tomorrow night for Chattanooga for the Friday transfer and I am glad all 9 are hanging on. I am so pleased with our numbers so far and am hopeful we will have some strong blastocysts to freeze!

Thanks for the sweet thoughts and prayers.
Now off to finish wrapping! :)

Embabies update!

2011-12-21T05:37:00.000-08:00

We are on for a 5 day transfer...YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! Last time we did a 3 day, so praying these will be much more developed!!!
9 are still in the game, one is going a little fast and has 7 cells. The others are under 4 cells, so she has given them a 2-3 rating. One is the best but she grades extra hard. She said all looks good though and we are certainly on the right track.
So we will head back to Chattanooga Thursday night, have the transfer at 9 AM Friday...then back to Memphis for my embabies to get nice and cozy!!!

I am trying to finish EVERYTHING for Christmas before we leave so I can rest Friday and Saturday, then head to family on Christmas eve. We didn't get a big tree this year...since we were in Chattanooga longer than expected and have to go back, it didn't work out. So, my sweet mother and step father bought this "baby" tree for us. What a perfect theme for this Christmas- with babies on our mind! So I decorated our baby tree last night and think it's just perfect for us this year. I am almost finished wrapping and shopping as well! Merry Christmas everyone! Praying we get our little Christmas miracle.

HILARIOUS!

2011-12-19T19:09:00.000-08:00

Someone sent this blog info to me the other day and I have laughed so hard reading it! http://peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.blogspot.com/2011_12_01_archive.html

This post in particular...I hope you get a good laugh too!!!!!

-Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies-

By now we have all heard of the adorable little Elf on the Shelf. Almost everyone I know has one. Some people even have two! (Now I'm having guilt for not having two, because apparently I need two because when my kids are adults they'll each want one from their childhood. Ugh. Not looking forward to that conversation with the Hubs when I tell him why we need another Elf.)

The Elf is a handy little thing to have. The little bastard keeps my children in check this time of year. When there is even a HINT of rebellion all I have to do is say, "Elf" and they snap back in line.

If he's so good, Jen, then why did you call him a bastard? you ask. I called him a bastard, because even though my children think he's magic, I'm the one doing all the "magic" and I totally suck at it. I forget to move him all the time and when I forget I have to spin even MORE lies than usual. ("No, Santa can't give you the $400 Lego Death Star. Even though he says he makes everything, he can't make Legos and he has to actually go and buy them and he can't spend that much money on you." or "Well, I don't know why he gave it to your friend last year for Christmas. I'm sure his mommy and daddy paid Santa to do that and we don't pay Santa." Thanks a lot, asshole parents who gave their kid the Death Star from Santa! As parents, let's all make a pact that any gift over $200 comes from grandma and grandpa rather than Santa, OK? It would make my life a lot easier.)

But back to our Elf. Our Elf has been a lazy SOB this year. He usually makes his first appearance Thanksgiving night (I get him out when I'm on my way out at 3 AM for Black Friday). This year we left town and I forgot. He waited until we came back and then he was ready join our family. Since then he's only gone away 4 maybe 5 times. We are always forgetting to move him. And it should not be difficult. I am literally moving him from the top shelf in my kitchen to the bottom shelf and back again. I'm such a loser that I can't even do that right.

I heard some over achieving moms talking one day about how they like to make their Elf do "naughty" things. What exactly does that mean? I asked. "Oh, you know, he bakes cookies in the night and leaves a huge mess for me to clean up in the morning." WTF??? "Yes, or one time last year, he took all the ornaments off our tree! Teeheeehee."

Teeheehee?!! Why in the world would I make my Elf do something like that? I'm the one who has to clean up his mess and redecorate my tree! All so my kid could ooh and ahh over the magic of the Elf for about 3 minutes until the next shiny object caught their eye? I decided these women were insane.

But then I started listening closer and realized they are not alone. There are entire blogs out there right now dedicated to naughty/fun Elf behavior. People like Danielle over at Blossom Bunkhouse. I read her blog and I got really pissed off. I should have known she'd irritate me when I read her perky-mom-who-loves-to-make-amazing-homemade-memories-with-her-kids-when-she's-not-secretly-downing-Valium-and-Vodka-so-she-can-be-so-damn-perky-and-fun title for her blog. (In case you haven't guessed, I'm proudly un-medicated and I have the mood swings to prove it.)

Blossom has 101 Fun Ideas to do with your Elf. ONE HUNDRED AND ONE. As a friend pointed out, there are only 25 days until Christmas - why 101?!!

I wanted to punch her as soon as I read her top 2:

1. Have a marshmallow fight (marshmallows everywhere).
2. Have a pillow fight (feathers everywhere).

OK, seriously? Does she have a clue how much a feather pillow costs? The hell I'm going to destroy it just so I can sweep it up again in the morning!

Or like I have time, desire or resources to make this red carpet entrance for a doll. I can barely get him out of the box and prop him up on the shelf. We haven't even read the book yet this year and she wants me to literally roll out a red carpet for him. When does she do laundry? When does she work? And most importantly, when does she sleep?

20. Make faces on school pictures with a marker.

I lecture my children constantly on appropriate materials to write on with markers. A photograph is not one of those things. It would take years to undo that damage if I did that. I'd have mustaches on every photograph in my home. "The Elf did it!"

24. Read a book.

Yeah, I tried that one on my own the other day (didn't even need Blossom's help to come up with that one). The Hubs didn't see him on the couch reading and he sat on him. Kids couldn't find him because he wasn't on his usual shelf. So much for trying to think outside the box...shelf.

32. Switch clothes from one closet to another.

And I do this when? 4 AM when everyone is asleep and I'm hauling dresses and jeans from one room to another? And we're assuming my children would even NOTICE I did this.

42. Take picture of child sleeping.

This is one I would do just to scare the snot out of them. I'd like to perch the Elf right on their sleeping heads and take a picture of that. I could probably whip that picture out in the summer when they're being bad and it would scare them enough to knock it off. I'll bookmark that one.

44. Knit a scarf or hat.

When I'm not trashing my house with feathers, flour or drawing on the walls I'll whip up a handmade hat, Psycho.

64. Learn multiplication facts.

Huh? Just set him on the table with flashcards? I guess I could do that, but it sounds as boring as my shelf.

80. Elf packs school lunches but mixes up everyone's lunches. (Each child receives sibling's lunch - great conversation piece at dinner.)

Or source of meltdown at school - you pick.

93. Sit on toilet OUTSIDE on front lawn - if you happen to have an extra toilet being stored.

WTF? Who has an "extra" toilet they can put in the yard? Either she's grasping at straws to get to 101 or she's white trash.

He's called The Elf on the Shelf, not the Elf who Skydives, Takes Bubble Baths and Shaves the Dog! Leave him on the shelf so the rest of us slackers don't look so bad. I think I'm just going to lay my Elf on his shelf, tape wires and hoses to him and tell my kids he's in a coma and hopefully he'll recover before Christmas. That should give me some flexibility.

Retrieval update!

2011-12-19T08:24:00.001-08:00

Sorry I didn't update yesterday. I was feeling pretty rough! We also decided to hit the road back to Memphis from Chattanooga. I medicated with pain meds and got comfy with a blanket and pillow and rested the 5 hours back home. Brian did an amazing job caring for me and getting us home safe and sound.
We went in for the retrieval and they did a wonderful job with everything. I love that it was at the fertility clinic rather than a center with all kinds of random surgeries. The staff was top notch as always. They have been so sweet to us through this entire process. Dr. scotchie, the other dr at the clinic, did the retrieval. She retrieved 17 eggs! And boy did I feel them yesterday. I am still really sore and in pain but MUCH better than yesterday! I am so glad this part is over and done with and just trying to avoid OHSS now by chugging water and gatorade!
The embryologist called yesterday afternoon and said out of the eggs, 14 were good and they planned to ICSI (where they inject the sperm into the egg with a needle) 10 eggs and then do the conventional way of letting the "swimmers" get to the egg in the dish with the other 4. We were definitely pleased with this #! especially considering where we were last week at this time.
We already received our update this morning and here is what we have:
9 eggs total that fertilized
6 fertilized with ICSI. 3 did not fertilize with ICSI, and one was abnormal with ICSI
Out of the 4 in the dish fertilizing the conventional way, 3 have fertilized!

So now we play the waiting game to find out if we do a 3 day or 5 day transfer. PRAYING these eggs can hang on and make it to a 5 day.

Looking forward to getting the report on how they have done today and through the night. It is truly incredible how they can make all of this happen!

SO glad to be home and thank you for all of your thoughts, prayers, messages, etc. It means the world to us!

Happy Holidays!!!

XO-
lauren

Retrieval Sunday!!!!

2011-12-17T15:09:00.000-08:00

We are all set for tomorrow morning for retrieval. I'm so bloated and ready to get these out! I'm always nervous about anesthesia but know I am in great hands. I feel very confident that they will retrieve some great eggs as hard as I have worked the last ten months with acupuncture and ESP. Since august with supplements, diet, etc. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. We are ready to get home but sure will miss Chattanooga!

DAY 14 of my never ending Stimulation!

2011-12-15T17:28:00.000-08:00

It's day 14 and I am hoping and praying that the end is in sight. We go in tomorrow for a monitoring apt and am praying for a Sunday retrieval. I have never been so excited to get a blood draw and ultrasound in my life! Tomorrow is a big day to figure out the next big steps in this process.
I am starting to feel awful. Bloated, huge, exhausted, moody, upset, headaches and nausea. 14 days of hormones being pumped through will do that I imagine! I'm so glad Brian is patient and understanding as I have not been a joy to be around today!
Our friend Tara is coming to visit from Knoxville tomorrow-Saturday. I can't wait to see her and know this will make the time pass quickly. I am getting homesick and am ready to go home.
My shot tally is at 71 tonight and my blood draws this cycle are at 9. My arms look like an abuse victim! No short sleeves for me right now!
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers and I hope to update you with great news tomorrow.

SO TRUE!

2011-12-14T09:22:00.000-08:00

As hard is this to understand sometimes, but so incredibly true. It's all in his hands!

E2 tripled!

2011-12-13T13:54:00.000-08:00

Looks like my estrogen levels are cooperating! I am at 1289!! This is higher than my estrogen level got during my entire cycle of my first ivf. I go back for monitoring again Friday with a retrieval of Sunday, then back to Memphis Monday. Im counting down the days and praying we make it to retrieval with no issues.

Stim day 12 update

2011-12-13T10:01:00.000-08:00

Apparently I am going to stim forever! I know my follicles can only grow so much a day but I am so ready to have my retrieval! 12 days of shots sucks. Big time!!!! We had another monitoring apt today and I can't say enough amazing things about the staff at TRM. They are phenomenal. Dr. Scotchie, the other RE, did my ultrasound and she measured 9 follicles ranging from about 10 to 14. We definitely have several more days of stimulation to go before they can retrieve. In a perfect world they would retrieve Saturday, come back to Memphis Sunday night and then back to chattanooga for a 3 or 5 day transfer. We will definitely be going back to Memphis in between retrieval and transfer but I'm glad because I'm a little homesick! If I continue to stim slow it could maybe even be a Monday or Tuesday transfer which would literally put us coming back to Chattanooga (if I get to a 5 day transfer, which is the goal) on Christmas eve or Christmas day. I'm still waiting on my e2 number, hoping it is good news.
Ivf Is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I hear stories of people who have done this over and over and over, like 5 to 10 times and my heart goes out to them. My stomach is bruised and raw, sore, drained physically and emotionally and ready for this to be over.
Thank you for your prayers and support!

update! better #s today

2011-12-11T11:54:00.000-08:00

Thank you so much for your sweet words of encouragement, thoughts and prayers. It has helped me tremendously over the last few days. We went in for monitoring this morning and we have hit all the milestones dr. Murray wished we would hit. My e2 doubled to 405 and I have 12 follicles- with 2 measuring around 10-11ish. It looks like I have started to respond. So we will continue on the same path-no med changes right now in hopes of my #s to keep rising. My lining is an 8 which is good. He believes I will trigger on thursday with a retrieval of saturday. Brian and I would head back to memphis next sunday to wait the 3-5 days for the transfer, then come back to chattanooga for the transfer and then home to memphis. Itim hoping this will truly be a christmas miracle! Next apt. Is tuesday and I will keep you all posted! :)

e2

2011-12-09T12:16:00.001-08:00

Went down to 205 from 485.this is the # I struggled with last time. They are upping me to 375 follistim and 150 menopur. Praying I start to respond. Our next appt. Is sunday in chattanooga with dr. Murray. I'm so incredibly worried my body is not doing what its supposed to.

friday update

2011-12-09T11:42:00.000-08:00

Ugh...my follicles aren't growing as we hoped they would. I'm still lingering in the 6-8 range. Just getting extremely paranoid that I'm not responding like I should be to the meds. I had to get my arm stuck 4 times today to find a good vein and didn't do well with that at all! I'm still waiting on my e2 # and hoping and praying that it is a # gauging that my follicles will cooperate.
Today has been tough and I am feeling pretty defeated. Please continue to pray for us.

Memphis snow!

2011-12-07T10:11:00.000-08:00

It rarely snows in memphis and if it does, we usually don't get a glimpse of it until around February. This is the second time we have seen snow in the last couple of weeks. I think we are in for a long, cold winter!
This was the perfect snow today, just enough to blanket the area, but still keep the streets safe. Here are some pictures from our neighborhood and of the dogs. Buddy loved it, Sadie and Princess-not so much!

Trying to be positive...

2011-12-07T07:34:00.000-08:00

I had my monitoring apt this morning and am a bit frustrated. I am on STIM day 6 and I think my #s should have been better. My lining is only a 5.2 and my 26 follicles (not sure what happened to the other 4 that totaled 30 on baseline day) are still small...8 and under, mostly 6ish. I am going to stop analyzing bc i know I am in the best hands with Dr. Murray and know he will make changes to help me along and get me to where I need to be.
I already feel so bloated and was hoping to see big follicles on this visit.
Long way to go! Please pray for us!!!!!

But I am staying positive and surrounding myself with happy things!

LIKE:

Delicious cookies from my sweet friend Irwin!

My sweet husband mixing my meds every day and night!

Buddy getting groomed and looking like a marshmallow!

Our new table!

Making headway packing for Chattanooga

My 2 boys I love more than anything!

question about Stimming and shortness of breath-

2011-12-05T19:01:00.000-08:00

I am on Day 4 of STIMs. So far here is what I have:
Day 1- Lupron 10 units
day 2- Lupron 10 units- AM and PM, Follistim 225- PM, menopur- 75, letrazole, and dexamethasone
day 3-Lupron 10 units- AM and PM, Follistim 225- PM, menopur- 75, letrazole, and dexamethasone
day 4-Lupron 10 units- AM and PM, Follistim 225- PM, menopur- 75, letrazole, and dexamethasone

I have been experiencing some shortness of breath- especially after I take my PM doses. Has anyone else experienced this from any of these meds? Of course it is completely freaking me out. I know that can happen with OHSS, but surely after just a few days of STIMS I wouldn't be experiencing that.
Thanks for your thoughts-advice!

News tomorrow- first monitoring apt!

2011-12-04T15:34:00.000-08:00

I talked to the nurse at my RE's office today about the shortness of breath. She said to switch my dose of dexomethasone to AM instead of PM. Since it is a steroid it can cause you to be hyper, anxious, etc.and could be the shortness of breath culprit. Guess that's why I am getting about 4 hours of sleep on average now since I have started this. And I am a 8-10 (yes, I love my sleep) hours of sleep a night kind of girl- otherwise I am not pleasant!

I have not had a monitoring appointment yet and in a way I am relieved because I would be stressing and analyzing everything. Tomorrow is my first and we will see how my follicles are doing and what my e2 is up to as well! I am DYING to know and am definitely plumping up big time in my stomach. The lady at the manicure shop today at lunch asked how far along I was. UGH!
After tomorrow, Our next appointment will be in Chattanooga for monitoring! Hoping we are half way through STIMS!

I have to say that the shots hurt WAY worse than my IUI's and first IVF. I think it is because my doses are much higher! But I will get through this! My stomach is so sore and the little grapes (bruises that look like grapes) are popping up :(
I want to cuss the makers of Follisitm for not creating a cartridge bigger than 300 u. Since I am taking 225, I have had to inject 2 shots of Follistim the past 2 nights. I've now had 900 u. of follistim and gone through 3 cartridges. medicine-please be doing your job well!
Any tips on making Menopur not burn? I can barely finish the injection from the stinging pain!

So, here is where I am up to this point:
Baseline Ultrasound- 30 follicles compared to 18 last IVF!
E2 (estradiol) at the start was 334
12-2, Friday: Lupron 10 injection AM, Lupron 10 injection PM=2 shots total
12-3, Saturday-Lupron 10 injection AM and PM, Follistim 225 injection, Menopur 75 injection=4 shots total
12-4, Sunday- Lupron 10 injection AM and PM, Follistim 225 2 injections bc of the stupid cartridge only holding 300 units- ugh! and menopur 75 injection=5 shots total
12-5, Monday- Lupron 10 injection AM and PM, Follistim 225 injection- 2 injections thanks to 300 u. cartridge, Menopur 75 injection=5 shots total
12-6- Lupron 10 injection- AM and PM, Follistim 225, menopur 75. Last dose of Letrazole!!!!!!!!!!!=4 shots total

***********As of today my shot tally is at 20!

12-7- FIRST monitoring appointment and will see if any med changes are needed. Also will probably be starting Siazen, my growth hormone! What's another injection to add to the fun, right?

Thanks for the thoughts, prayers and encouragement. I am feeling great about things and am ready for retrieval!

It's beginning to look a lot like CHRISTMAS!

2011-12-04T14:34:00.000-08:00

I think our house is at maximum Christmas decor potential, minus the tree! Which I can't wait to go and get at the Christmas tree farm where we choose a tree and they cut it down for us. I LOVE to decorate the tree which will also help pass time in the 2 week wait after we get back from Chattanooga and give me something to look forward to during IVF! Not to mention I haven't even wrapped one gift yet, or finished shopping for that matter!!!! Yay for occupying time in the 2WW! I like to make Christmas linger around as long as possible and have a great excuse to do just that this year!

Christmas came early for me with a new Chloe bag- Brian said it's my IVF present for enduring all the needles :)

Dear Little One-

2011-12-04T14:07:00.000-08:00

I heard this song today http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8QqKe5d95U and of course the tears came flowing! But what a sweet song. I enjoyed the intro with Wes King talking about their 3 year struggle with infertility and how they finally have their miracle baby. We are ready for you to come into our world and working very hard to help you get here with our second IVF right now. Please know how much you will be loved by so many. We can't wait to meet you!

Love-
Mom

PS-
We bought your first items recently. Here are a few pictures :)

Your first Alabama accessory. This will be one of MANY!

And a wonderful stroller (Thank you jenna for selling to us!) that is ready to take you many fun places!!!!

It even has a great little bed for you in your newborn/infant days and we can change the colors when we find out if you are a little boy or girl!

My daily prayer for my friends suffering from infertility

2011-12-03T19:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Lord, the pain of infertility is so deep. All of our lives, we dream of being mothers, of raising children with loving hearts to do your will on this earth. Month after month when that dream does not come true, it so painful, Lord. We feel like our dreams die each month with empty arms. Please guide us to trust in your plan for us. We desperately need you in our lives. Thank you for all the blessings we do have, knowing through you all things are possible. Amen

FAMILY ACT OF 2011!!!!!!!

2011-12-03T07:54:00.000-08:00

This could be incredible for people suffering from infertility who aren't able to afford treatment to receive it!!!!!!! HUGE! I am writing my representatives TODAY and encourage all to do the same!

About the Family Act of 2011 Bill
Updated: 12/1/2011

Tax Credit Bill for Infertility Treatments introduced in the U.S. Senate and U.S. House of Representatives

A bill to create a tax credit for the out-of-pocket costs associated with infertility medical treatment has been introduced in the U.S. Senate by Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (NY) and in the U.S. House of Representatives by Congressman John Lewis (GA). Co-sponsored by Rosa L. DeLauro (CT), William Keating (MA), and Richard E. Neal (MA). the appropriately named the Family Act of 2011, S 965/H.R. 3522, this bill will potentially help thousands of people seek medical treatment that otherwise would be out of reach for them.

Write to your U.S. Senators immediately and ask them to co-sponsor the Family Act of 2011, S 965.

Write to your Representative immediately and ask them to co-sponsor the Family Act of 2011, HR 3522.

Our goal is to get as many Senators and Members of Congress to co-sponsor this bill and to seek a hearing on the bill in the appropriate House and Senate Committees. Please ask your elected officials in Washington to co-sponsor Family Act of 2011. Please urge your family and friends around the country to send a letter as well. We need thousands of letters flooding the U.S. Senate!

Link to Senate Bill: http://www.gpo.gov/fdsys/pkg/BILLS-112s965is/html/BILLS-112s965is.htm

Link to House Bill: http://www.gpo.gov/fdsys/pkg/BILLS-112hr3522ih/pdf/BILLS-112hr3522ih.pdf

To read the letter sent by Senator Gillibrand to other members of the U.S. Senate, click here.

Key provisions of the House and Senate bill:

The Family Act covers the out-of-pocket costs associated with in vitro fertilization (IVF) including diagnostic tests, laboratory charges, professional charges, and medications for IVF.
The Family Act covers the out-of-pocket costs of fertility preservation procedures if the man or woman is diagnosed with cancer and the cancer treatment or disease itself may result in infertility.
The Family Act has a cost sharing provision allowing 50% of all applicable medical expenses to be covered up to a lifetime maximum of $13,360. You would need to have out-of-pocket costs totaling $26,720 to claim the entire credit in your lifetime.
If you do not owe taxes in a particular year, do not owe enough taxes to use the whole credit, or do not reach the max amount in one tax year, it carries over to the next year for a max of five years after the first year you use the credit.
The Family Act is available to couples filing jointly with adjusted gross incomes of less than $222,520, but the credit is smaller for those earning between $182,500 and $222,520.
Read our Frequently Asked Questions about the Tax Credit Bill. Get the latest information about this Bill's status here.

How does a bill become law?

DONATE Now!
We need your financial support to fight for the rights of women and men who living with infertility. Your donations will help RESOLVE to pass The Family Act of 2011, protect current insurance mandates at the state level, to stop legislation that would negatively impact access to infertility treatment, ensure the continuation of the Adoption Tax Credit, and be the public voice that fights for the rights of those diagnosed with infertility. Donations to RESOLVE are tax-deductible to the extent allowed by U.S. Law.

DONATE

Want to make a difference? Volunteer and become a grassroots advocate. Click here to find out more.

My Thanksgiving Day was made!

2011-12-02T14:40:00.000-08:00

My grandmother "Meme"

My youngest sister, Margaret top left, cousin Shelby in top middle
my grandmother, mom and middle sister mary on the couch

and of course so very thankful for the best husband in the world!

Our Thanksgiving was the best ever because my grandmother was able to come! She has been struggling for months and months and months with her health and has been in and out of the hospital, etc. It has been so hard to see her this way as she has always been tough as nails and super active- even at her age of 86! She is doing better every day and it made my day to share several hours on Thanksgiving with her.

Our Chattanooga home!

2011-11-30T15:45:00.001-08:00

brian and I found a great little house in chattanooga to rent while we are there for IVF. The lady who owns it could not be nicer and owns a beautiful spa called Lakeview at Fontana Resort & Spa in the mountains of North Carolina that I want to visit! She is letting us bring our dogs, which makes me so happy. I would miss them so much being away that long, especially not having them there to snuggle up to while on bed rest!
The house is in such a convenient and fun area and the city is just beautiful!
here are some pictures... It looks so serene and peaceful. A great place to rest and relax for IVF!
http://www.vrbo.com/138646

My IVF Station is a HAPPY place :)

2011-11-29T15:35:00.000-08:00

Last IVF (and 3 IUI's) I dreaded going in to get my needles and medicine as I was completely terrified! I have decided to make my medicine station (our china cabinet is substituting as "the lab" for the next couple weeks) a much happier place where I will feel positive and excited when it's time for my doses. I put up a few quotes to remind myself of each day and pictures that inspire me like of Brian, my niece and nephew, etc. And the Christmas decorations all around make everything so cheerful- I love Christmas time!

I also did my STIM sheets (AKA- checklists) to keep up with all of our meds and made them in red and green in the spirit of making our sweet Christmas baby! I did the first 6 days so feel much more organized!

I am feeling GREAT about everything, except my throat is sore w chest congestion big time. I am praying that I am not coming down with something as this is NOT the week for this! However, I think it may be due to the weather. It was warm in the 60's and them plummeted down to where it was actually snowing outside! Welcome to Memphis with the crazy weather!

And last but not least- I had to take a pic of all the medicine sheets listing side effects, interactions, etc. Being the hypochondriac that I am, I have decided to set these to the side, just like I did last time as too much reading I will have every symptom as soon as I inject the meds!

Just 2 more days until the shots! Thanks for all of your sweet thoughts and prayers :)

Blogger awards!

2011-11-28T17:07:00.001-08:00

Blogger Award!
Thank you Jessica from Our roller coaster through IVF and Lanie from http://unruffledlanie.blogspot.com/ who awarded me with my first blogger award! I'm kind of new to this whole community, thanks for including me!

Liebster is a German word meaning dearest, and the award is given to up-and-coming bloggers
with less than 200 followers.

Here are the rules:
1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.
2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.
4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

The five blogs I want to recognize for being nothing but awesome are:

1. http://seeabeautifulworld.blogspot.com/
2. http://lifeswhathappensyourbusymakingplans.blogspot.com/2011/07/i-could-start-at-begging-but-that-would.html to Jessica
3. http://unruffledlanie.blogspot.com/ to Lanie
4. http://myworrybird.blogspot.com/ to Mary Margaret
5. http://adayinthelifeofthedawkins.blogspot.com/ to Carrie.

MEDS ARRIVED! COUNTDOWN IS ON! BASELINE ULTRASOUND AND E2 LEVELS!

2011-11-26T07:28:00.001-08:00

I can't believe it's almost time! Our massive box of meds arrived Wednesday night and we start shots on the 2nd.
I have been taking the estrace (estradiol) for almost 2 weeks now and will continue for about another week. Estrace was not my friend the first few days. the side effects were awful w nausea and headaches, but they subsided after a few days- thank goodness!!!

Dr. Murray also tested my Vitamin D and mine was low. I was pretty shocked as I love to sit out in the sun! I think that test would have different results in the summer for sure :) I started on Maximum D3 which is 10,000 iu's of Vitamin D. I had to do this for 5 days and started it the same day as estrace. Both of those combined were tough on my body. I will still take one tablet of 10,000 iu's during IVF.

Today was my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork- I had 30 follies :) compared to 18 for IVF 1, and my e2 level was 334, which is high but taking the estrace was to give this a boost, which I will only be taking a few more days. On STIM day 4 previously I was only at 115 for my e2! I am definitely happy so far!
our plan is to head to Chattanooga for monitoring starting on the 9th which is the 8th day of STIMS. We are getting so excited! My parents are going to come up and visit and before we know it we will be back to Memphis surviving the 2 week wait and enjoying the Christmas season!

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers so much! We are SO READY!

Happy Thanksgiving Friends!

2011-11-23T12:12:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving to all! I am so thankful to have the support and ability from amazing family and friends to get through all of this. Thank You!
I am counting my blessings and hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving!
~My cup runneth over!

The more we express our gratitude to God for our blessings, the more he will bring to our mind other blessings. The more we are aware of to be grateful for, the happier we become.-- - Ezra Taft Benson

Love-
lauren

2011-11-15T19:15:00.000-08:00

of course I have to complain about how much worse these lovely bruises look today!
And I am still not 100% after my biopsy. Yikes. I was reading last night and so many women said it was worse than childbirth! The majority said it was the most pain they have ever endured in their LIFE and I completely agree!!!!

On a happier note, we went to the Bama game at Mississippi State Saturday with my youngest sister and her boyfriend. We had a fun day and glad to see the Tide win after the heartbreaking loss against LSU last weekend.

Dear Sophie Lee

2011-11-14T17:03:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4vkVHijdQk

I think this is about the sweetest commercial ever. I still can't make it through without tears streaming down my face. What a sweet daddy documenting memories for his little girl!

NEVER have I EVER experienced pain like this!

2011-11-14T15:09:00.000-08:00

I just had my endometrial biopsy and I am going to put up a major fight if I have to do this again. Or have pain killers, valium, xanax, alcohol, etc. (probably all of the above) in my system before hand. Advil does NOT cut it!
With all of the tests, procedures, etc. this was the most painful by far. Horrific! So painful it made me cry. Just thinking about it makes me cringe at the pain. I am so glad Brian was with me, and that he has both of his hands- I had to squeeze both of them as tight as I could!
I am so glad that procedure can be marked off the list.

Rewinding to this morning........
I had to get my progesterone blood draw and should have known the day would only get worse after! Iove the lab tech (I am getting blood drawn still in memphis where I did IVF#1 and they are faxing results to dr in chattanooga) and she is usually spot on at finding the perfect vein. Today I must have been a hard case :( She stuck me once and couldn't get the blood to draw, so she had to stick me again. I got really woozy bc the pain was awful and the whole situation made me feel like fainting! I became the recipient of 2 massive bruises on my arm!
I did get the clearance to start my Estrace (Estrogen) tonight! So the 1st med for IVF begins tonight!

Is it really only Monday?

Redbooks "The Truth About trying"

2011-11-12T07:07:00.000-08:00

I love these little blurbs from people who have infertility. So many of these stories give me such great hope :)

http://www.redbookmag.com/health-wellness/advice/infertility-video-series#v1212312906001

First visit to chattanooga!

2011-11-11T09:02:00.000-08:00

brian and I went to Chattanooga for our first visit to TRM! We nailed it with timing on the prettiest week of the year with the leaves in just about every color imaginable! It was unbelievable how beautiful and vibrant the trees were! I hope they will stick around for a few more weeks until we arrive in december. I had a major fail with the lack of picture taking this go round! I will do much better next time!!!

We stayed at The Chattanoogan Hotel and loved it. We had a great dinner at St. John's meeting place, along with a pumpkin spice martini which was to die for!!!!! we also enjoyed walking around downtown. Chattanooga is the cleanest city I have ever seen and the electric bus which is free transportation around downtown was a nice perk- I love that they do so many "green' things here!

The next morning we headed to the office and my first official meeting with dr. Murray was my trial transfer-What a way to meet-haha! All went well with that, no hiccups so we are all set for transfer. Then we had a great meeting with dr. Murray and he went over protocol step by step, meds, side effects, etc. EXTREMELY thorough! He spent 3 hours total with us! :)

After a quick lunch we headed back for a little bloodwork. I am back to being a pin cushion! And the last stop of the day was injection training. Many of the meds we were familiar with what do do so it was super simple! I will be taking a few new meds and the best news of all is no more PIO shots! I will be using the Crinone instead :) I am super pumped bc those shots are the devil!
So...my next steps are:

Nov. 14th- endometrial biopsy and progesterone draw
wait for that lovely time of month so I can start taking my estrace which is estrogen. Mine was sub-par last cycle so I need all the help I can get! This should be around the 21st
November 28th- baseline ultrasound and bloodwork
December 1- Start Lupron, letrazole for 5 days, Dexamethasone. continue estrace
December 2- add Follistim, Menopur to the mix
December 4- Last day of estrogen
December 7- I will add Saizen growth hormone. 1st follicle ultrasound and estradiol
December 8- Leave for Chattanooga
December 9- BW and US at TRM
Continue scans and bloodwork until it's time for retrieval!
We will stay in Chattanooga and the plan is to do a 5 day transfer and stay one more day after transfer!

I am so excited and know we are in the best hands ever with this doctor. I can't wait for everything to get here!

Halloween

2011-11-01T17:22:00.000-07:00

Since we don't have kids we dress our dogs up for Halloween- I say "we" but Brian really has no part of this. They definitely are not fans but they look too funny not to take advantage of this yearly opportunity. Sadie was a bee, Buddy a frog and Princess Flower was a unicorn.

We had a blast last night with family and friends. It was wild over here with kids everywhere!
We had a big crowd of trick-or-treaters and gave out a ton of candy, ate too much pizza, ro-tel and enjoyed the bar that we set up- Such a fun night!!!

Animal sounds by James!

2011-10-28T06:51:00.000-07:00

This is my 18 month old nephew James. I don't think he could get any cuter! Esp. when you ask what a kitty or a dog says!
love this little man!

DATES DATES DATES!!!!!!!!

2011-10-26T14:01:00.000-07:00

I am so excited to have some actual dates for IVF! Looks like we are ready to go!!!

Brian and I will be going to Chattanooga on November 9th for injection training, labwork and trial transfer!

Then November 14th is the endometrial biopsy and more bloodwork- yikes!
THEN... December 2nd I start STIMS

i am guessing we will head to Chattanooga around the 10th-ish for a likely retrieval date of the week of the 12th. We will stay there in between retrieval and transfer! I can't wait to bring Christmas decorations to make our rental house in chattanooga feel christmasy since we will be there over a week!
Tis the season for IVF and Christmas cheer- however, not sure how "cheerful" as I will be pumped full of hormones!

I spoke to Ascend Specialty Pharmacy today and i'm the lucky recipient of LOTS of meds coming my way! here is what's in store for me:
Letrazol- just in case i have endometriosis. It is supposed to help pre-IVF. I HATE this med. It made me feel awful when I have taken in the past!!!!!
Siazen- Growth hormone
Crinone- Progesterone
Follistim- FSH med
Novarel- HCG Trigger shot
Menopur- FSH med
Microdose Lupron
Baby asprin
prednisone

Anyone else taken this combo of meds?

I'm READY! Let's do this!

Just a little reinforcement friends :)

2011-10-25T08:46:00.000-07:00

Love this! So very true

One last attempt didn't work

2011-10-23T12:53:00.001-07:00

I'm so disappointed and as that fun awful day of the month arrives, so do the tears. Tears of not understanding once again why this can't be easier. Let down after let down, month after month...it is so heartbreaking.

We were so hopeful that somehow, miraculously we were going to get pregnant this month- with all of the supplements and accupuncture I am doing. I knew deep down that was next to impossible and I was right! Unfortunately we aren't pregnant. So, the first phase of IVF begins in November with a month of birth control, then shots, retrieval and transfer in December.
Looks like I will be having my endometrial biopsy in the next few days. JOY!

I am absolutely terrified this time around. I am exhausted and ready for this to be over with. Honestly if IVF #2 doesn't work, then I believe we are throwing in the towel. There is honestly only so much you can stand physically and mentally. And for people who have not gone through this and say even if it takes 10 times you should do whatever it takes. I want to tell them to try this just once- then come back and we will chat!
I pray I have the strength for all that comes with this over the next few months. It's a long, hard road.
Hoping and praying this works!

Fall is here!

2011-10-23T07:15:00.000-07:00

This week has been super busy and still going strong as we have a bday party for our friends 1 year old this afternoon and then helping host a baby shower tonight! I did make 2 really yummy dip recipes this am and will share the EASY recipes :)

yesterday we had brians 10 year homecoming for college and enjoyed a beautiful day on the prettiest campus in the world.

Pretty day to be outside walking around!

Brian was the former president of Sigma Nu at Rhodes

Here are some pics of this amazingly beautiful campus!

We also had the grand opening for our cousins new fitness studio- Pure Barre. they opened another location over a year ago which has done tremendously well, so they opened store #2 in another part of town. I have still not tried the classes but am dying to- i'm a little worried I won't last the full hour that the class is! My doctor said not to change up my routine or do any new exercising, so I will definitely look forward to this later on. Hopefully post pregnancy, right? http://www.commercialappeal.com/news/2010/oct/04/raise-the-barre/

This week it really cooled down here. I mean all the way down to 43 in a certain part of my territory that I was working in on Wednesday. It was also rainy and just chilled you to the bone! I need a few more weeks of 70 degrees before winter arrives!!!!!!!!
the dogs definitely enjoyed the fires we have had a few nights this week :)

A weekend outdoors!

2011-10-17T15:13:00.000-07:00

The weekend in Memphis was amazing this weekend. 80s and sunny! I wanted to be outside constantly. So we did just that :)

Saturday, Brian and I went to the Ole Miss- Alabama game and had the best time! we went down Saturday with my sis in law and her boyfriend and couldn't have had more fun. We had some friends that were so hospitable and we tailgated with them at their tent in the Grove in Oxford...great day!
Kickoff was at 5 PM without a cloud in the sky in the 70's> The game was a blast... especially since Alabama won!

Sunday we took my 18 month nephew to the zoo. He was super cute and acted perfect!
The carousel was his favorite part of the zoo. He kept saying "again" when he wanted to ride it over and over and over! He is at such a cute age and we enjoyed him so much!

Endometrial biopsy date change!

2011-10-17T14:51:00.001-07:00

Brian and I went to my OBGYN today to have this lovely procedure done. I stayed home from work today because I am sick with some sort of cold, sinus funk, etc. and have had fever. So I really didn't even get worked up about having my uterus prodded today feeling so crappy to begin with! We get there and have the infamous question..."IS THERE ANY CHANCE YOU COULD BE PREGNANT?" Hmmm, let's see, almost 2 years and no luck- not even with fertility treatments I will say no, more like hell no. However, we did "try" on our own this month (not expecting to get pregnant even the tiniest bit) but had to disclose the info. This was after a girl my husband knew who was in the waiting room came up to talk to him and said "Oh- you must be pregnant since y'all are here together." I wanted to come out of my chair and say "Hell no I am not pregnant. Sorry I am not like you where you are just here for your easy ultrasound. I am here to have a painful procedure to see if I can even GET pregnant" UGH!
So, back to the biopsy...the office called my RE in Chattanooga and explained the situation. So just to be on the safe side I get to anticipate this for another week and a half of so when I am "cleared" from not being pregnant!
I will keep you posted on how this goes in a week or so when we go back. Thanks for all the info for everyone that has had this done!!!

FREE Christmas cards for bloggers!

2011-10-17T11:09:00.000-07:00

I can't think of more deserving group of bloggers to finally get something for FREE! Since all the extra money we save goes into fertility treatments/adoption fund these days!

Shutterfly is offering 25 free Christmas cards to bloggers. Here is the link...You just fill out the info which is super quick and easy!

http://www.shutterflycards.com/2011/10/bloggers-25-free-christmas-cards-from-shutterfly/68/

I feel like we should be holding Follistim, menopur and progesterone on our card this year...that pretty much sums up 2011! :)

Giuliana Rancic announced she has breast cancer :(

2011-10-17T08:27:00.000-07:00

http://www.etonline.com/news/115230_Giuliana_Rancic_Announces_She_Has_Breast_Cancer/

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2011/10/giuliana-rancic-reveals-shes-battling-breast-cancer/1

Giuliana is one of my favorites. I have religiously watched their show and shed many tears feeling the emotions of everything they have experienced with infertility. I think she is about as real as they come!
I know the latest was they were doing IVF at CCRM in Colorado. Apparently Dr. Schoolcraft required a mammogram (THANK GOD!!!) and it showed she has a tumor in her breast and that she has breast cancer.
It made me so sad to hear this today and I hope that everything will be ok. I am her biggest cheerleader!!!

A special prayer request...

2011-10-17T07:16:00.000-07:00

My heart hurts for a blog I came across (via other blogger friends asking to keep this family in our prayers)
I can't even imagine the pain they are enduring right now and thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers that they find the strength to make it through this...

http://missconception-ads.blogspot.com/2011/10/20-weeks-all-gone.html

endometrial biopsy nervousness!

2011-10-14T11:58:00.001-07:00

I just got the call from my RE's office that my endometrial biopsy is Monday. They want to do one this month, then possibly another next month before December IVF.

To those of you that have had this procedure, How bad is it?

i am not looking forward to this, but I hope it can provide some answers!!!!!

Thanks!

A few laughs for your friday :)

2011-10-14T08:39:00.000-07:00

These "classics" never get old!
Hope everyone has a good weekend!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8aprCNnecU&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcLeJ8X5f5A

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPAeXI5rN9E

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nda_OSWeyn8

Myth -vs- Truth

2011-10-12T18:16:00.001-07:00

Today I have a heavy heart for a blogger friend who had a negative beta test. Thoughts and prayers are with you A!

This week I have seemed to be hearing so many of these, so found this list pretty appropriate.

Oh the infamous myths -vs- truths.
I know we have all heard every one of these and i'm sure we could fill up another page of many more!!!!
Sometimes I just want to scream if someone else tells me to just relax, or have some drinks and don't think about it. And my most favorite..."You are trying too hard. If you quit trying so hard you will get pregnant." OH, REALLY? Thanks for that tip...and do you have a MD attached to your name, specializing in RE? UGHHHHHH!
I could go on and on and on, but I won't :)
Instead I wanted to share this great list of myths -vs- truths created by RESOLVE- the national infertility organization http://www.resolve.org/
I think I may just hand copies of this to people when I hear any of these again!

Myths and Facts About Infertility

Myth: Infertility is a women's problem.

Fact: This is untrue. It surprises most people to learn that infertility is a female problem in 35% of the cases, a male problem in 35% of the cases, a combined problem of the couple in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases. It is essential that both the man and the woman be evaluated during an infertility work-up.

Myth: Everyone seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.

Fact: More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. When you seek support, you will find that you are not alone. Join RESOLVE, a support group, or talk with others who are struggling to build a family, so that you won't feel isolated.

Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!

Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.

Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.

Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.

Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!

Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.

Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!

Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. However, most people explore medical treatment for infertility prior to considering adoption. In addition, traditional adoption options have changed, and adoption can be more costly and time-consuming than expected. It is, however, still possible to adopt the healthy baby of your dreams. There are also many older children and children with special needs available for adoption.

Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!

Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.

Myth: My partner might leave me because of our infertility.

Fact: The majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis, learning in the process new ways of relating to each other, which deepens their relationship in years to follow.

Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!

Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.

Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population.

Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be childfree or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.

Myth: I shouldn't take a month off from infertility treatment for any reason... I just know that this next month will be THE one!

Fact: It is important periodically to reassess your treatment and your parenting goal. Continuity in treatment is important, but sometimes a break can provide needed rest and renewal for the next steps.

Myth: I'll be labeled a 'trouble maker' if I ask too many questions.

Fact: The physician/patient team is important. You need to be informed about what treatments are available. What is right for one couple may not be right for another, either physically, financially, or emotionally. Don't be afraid to ask questions of your doctor.

A second opinion can be helpful. If needed, discuss this option with your physician.

Myth: I know I'll never be able to stop treatment until I have a pregnancy.

Fact: Pregnancy is not the only pathway to parenthood. You may begin to think more about parenthood than about pregnancy. You may long for your life to get back to normal. You may consider childfree living or begin to think of other ways to build a family.

Myth: I've lost interest in my job, hobbies, and my friends because of infertility. No one understands! My life will never be the same!

Fact: Infertility is a life crisis -- it has a rippling effect on all areas of your life. It is normal to feel a sense of failure that can affect your self-esteem and self-image. You will move through this crisis. It is a process, and it may mean letting go of initial dreams. Throughout this process, stay informed about the wide range of options and connect with others facing similar experiences.

Ready, Set...DECEMBER!

2011-10-11T15:30:00.000-07:00

Well, it looks like we will be heading to Chattanooga for IVF in December. I am so excited we will be under the care of Dr. Murray at TRM in Chattanooga, TN http://www.trmbaby.com/welcome/rink_murray.shtml
I LOVE that he has more of a boutique type practice and doesn't do a ton of IVF's a month, so we will get the attention needed to have the perfect cycle!

My STIMS will start on December 2nd and we will be in Chattanooga about 8ish days after for the last few days of monitoring before retrieval. We are aiming for a 5 day transfer, so we will stay in Chattanooga in between retrieval and transfer, just in case we only get to a 3 day. I am sad because I am missing Bob Seger on the 10th in memphis. Yes, I love my old school classic rock and Bob is one of my favs!

I am such a homebody and love to be at home, so I think this will be the hardest part for me. BUT, my husband came up with a brilliant idea. getting on VRBO.com (vacation rentals by owner) to look for a house to rent.

1. It would be cheaper than a hotel
2. We could bring our dogs (who I have to have around and miss them terribly when we travel) and not have to pay a pet sitter :)
3. We would have a full size kitchen to cook, so all meals wouldn't be take out, etc. and
4. we will avoid killing each other in a tiny hotel room :)!!!!!!!!!!

I love this idea, so I have been busy trying to find the perfect place to settle in for the week we are there. trying to negotiate prices since I am sure the 2nd week of December isn't a heavy travel week for most.
I told brian I want to put some Christmas decorations up since I will be missing ours from home during my favorite time of year!!!!

In early November I am going to have an endometrial biopsy (first time to have one) to make sure the lining of my uterus can support a pregnancy. here is more about the procedure:
An endometrial biopsy is a way for your doctor to take a small sample of the lining of the uterus (endometrium ). The sample is looked at under a microscope for abnormal cells. An endometrial biopsy helps your doctor find problems in the endometrium. It also lets your doctor check to see if your body's hormone levels that affect the endometrium are in balance.

Sounds fun, right? My uterus probably really hates me. But I guess I am not a big fan of mine since it won't do what I want it to!!! haha

Then we will go to Chattanooga in late November for injection training and a trial transfer.

Until then- lots of accupuncture, supplements, positive thoughts and preparing my body for IVF #2!

Hopefully some of my blogger friends will be stimming around the same time.

Counting down the days until DECEMBER!

Thank you Brian-

2011-10-07T12:49:00.000-07:00

I started looking back at all of my old pictures a few days ago and just smiled at all the wonderful times Brian and I have had. I really am the luckiest girl in the world to be married to him and decided to make a montage of pics with our great memories for him! I couldn't imagine going through the hard infertility world with anyone else! You are the best brian!

What IF?

2011-10-06T06:48:00.000-07:00

I really loved this video- she did a great job expressing the thoughts and feelings of people struggling with infertility. And the "IF" standing for infertility really hit home...
One out of 8 couples is affected with infertility.
I'm not giving up this fight. Because there would always be the "what IF's" every day, for the rest of my life.
We will beat infertility!

http://vimeo.com/keikozoll/whatif

My animal rescue story...

2011-10-05T13:46:00.000-07:00

Anyone can give up. It's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together, when everyone else would understand if you fell apart... that's true strength." ~Author Unknown

I love this quote.

A huge passion of mine is animal rescue- particularly dog rescue. The shelters in this area are deplorable and the euthanasia rate is sickening and unacceptable. I do all that I can to help dogs in need to find a safe place and have rescued over 100 this year.

I can't tell you how many times this has entered my head with all the dog rescue work I do.
I have rescued a ton of dogs and it's not easy. The pain, heartache and stress of trying to network, find fosters, arrange transportation etc. is a true challenge. It's easy to give up, but who else do they have?

Then you look at the stories of these precious souls getting their second chance at life and every bit of heartache that comes with the territory is worth it. And it inspires you to help the next dog.

here are a few babies that inspire me every day. They had nothing until I came into their lives and gave me the ability to pave the way to a new and much better life ahead. Many of these sweet dogs have found refuge up North thanks to some incredible rescue groups!!!!!

Hope- The most pitiful rescue I have had yet. she was severely abused and wouldn't come near anyone for days. She made a ton of progress, and is still coming around slowly.i hate to think of the pain she endure her first few weeks of life that has scarred this girl forever. My sweet father adopted her and patiently works with her every day to help her understand what the good life is :)

George Yoakum. He was from a horrible shelter in Abbyville Louisiana. I rescued him and fostered him until August. I found a great family who adopted him and he is living in Memphis! He had so much personality and made me laugh every day.

Sophie was at the jackson Rabies Control one hour from Memphis. she was scheduled for euthanization the day we pulled her. She has gone to MAss. to live with my friend Tracy's sister and is super spoiled! I love my Sophie updates :) This girl could JUMP. We had our window in the office open in the Spring and before I knew it she was leaping out the window. She truly is a small dog trapped in a big dog's body- loves to swim and play catch.

Sweet rosie. this sweet girl had my heart. She was so timid and shy- such a sweet and gentle dog. She had been in a terrible dog fight and had extensive surgery- tubes in throat, etc. She was adopted to a wonderful family here in memphis!

This is Lucy. I rescued her 1 hour before she was scheduled for death in Bolivar, TN at the worst shelter I have ever seen. her "owners" dropped her off and didn't care one bit she was going to be put to sleep. She was so sweet and thankful and just smiled even though she had no teeth! She went to a wonderful rescue group in NJ and has been adopted!

Another of sweet George. I had a hard time letting this little guy go...

Penny Lane was pulled from the Bolivar shelter too hours before being put to sleep. My sister fostered her and she was adopted through a wonderful rescue group here in memphis!

These baby labs were living outside and were so tiny! They were all adopted in memphis!

This is sweet Piper. A dog who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Another dog attacked her so she stood up for herself (wouldn't you???) and bit the dog who bit her. the owner immediately took her to the vet to be euthanized. Luckily I was called and told this dog was so sweet and highly adoptable. Idiot owner. She is now living with an older couple in a small town outside of memphis and super spoiled!

This bunch was dropped off at the shelter in Bolivar to be killed. They were so little and precious! 2 were adopted in Memphis (thanks kelly and ruth!) and the rest went to Chicago to a fabulous rescue group!

This is Aubie- now adopted by my friend megan's mother. This little baby was at the horrific Abbyville, LA shelter- gas chamber shelter!
"

Sweet daisy Mae also came from Abbyville. she was adopted by my friend megan after she fostered and fell in love!

This is AJ- one of my first rescues. I found this guy on the side of the road easting trash in a rural town while working in my territory. he was incredibly skinny and struggling to stay alive. he traveled the 2 hours back to memphis with me (asleep in my lap the whole way) and was adopted by my friend Traci. he is beautiful and so loved!

Lacey was so precious! She headed up North and was adopted to a great family!

Princess Flower- she was also known as "Wags" at the shelter because she wags her tail in a complete circle. well, this little one is STILL here at our house and has been since February. I have fallen in love with this precious baby and am still convincing Brian we need her forever! I can't say enough wonderful things about this precious little girl. I adore her!

I pulled this sweet chi girl from Bolivar shelter just moments before being put to sleep. She was at our house 2 hours before her great rescue group that agreed to take her came to pick her up. I would have to say she loved being at the shelter and having a lap to sit on! Sweet little girl!

Mo, Tutti and Lucy leaving for transport to NJ!!!!!!!

Jack was rescued by me minutes before the shelter closed for euthanizai=tion. I am talking down to the minute! He headed to a rescue group up North :)

sampson came to the shelter with Jack. he was a senior and so sweet. My friend stacy fostered him and the minute he got to her house he jumped in the pool! he was so excited to be out of the shelter. He went to the rescue in NY as well and was adopted by the president of their humane society!

The odds were stacked against Laurs. Black dog and pit bull mix. He didn't have a chance. When I walked into the shelter I immediately wanted to give this guy a chance. I called my friend Trent who agreed to help me with this sweet boy. he named him Laurs (after me :) ) and he is still living with Trent a block away loving life. I will never forget pulling this sweet boy and the smile on his face on our ride home. He wanted to have his hand touching me the whole hour ride home!

and one more of Hope- Made my heart melt to see Brian working so hard to help her get comfortable!!!!

This is chloe. this girl was covered in fleas and ticks and was pitiful! she stayed with us a couple of months and I adored her. I found a wonderful family who has moved outside of memphis that loves this sweet girl who is so big now!

This sweet girl was rescued from Bolivar shelter on her final day and fostered by my friend Dabney. her little girl Tatum named her Tutti. Hilarious! She was adopted up North in NJ!

A RESCUE POEM

Once I was a lonely dog, just looking for a home.
I had no place to go, no one to call my own.
I wandered up and down the streets, in rain in heat and snow.
I ate whatever I could find, I was always on the go.

My skin would itch, my feet were sore, my body ached with pain.
And no one stopped to give a pat or a gently say my name.
I never saw a loving glance, I was always on the run.
For people thought that hurting me was really lots of fun.

And then one day I heard a voice so gentle, kind and sweet,
and arms so soft reached down to me and took me off my feet.“
No one again will hurt you,” was whispered in my ear.
“You’ll have a home to call your own where you will know no fear.“

You will be dry, you will be warm, you’ll have enough to eat.
And rest assured that when you sleep, your dreams will all be sweet.”
I was afraid I must admit, I’ve lived so long in fear.
I can’t remember when I let a human come so near.

And as she tended to my wounds and bathed and brushed my fur,
she told me about the rescue group and what it meant to her.
She said, “We are a circle, a line that never ends.
And in the center there is you, protected by new friends.“

And all around you are the ones that check the pounds,
and those that share their home after you’ve been found.“
And all the other folk are searching near and far
to find the perfect home for you, where you can be a star.”

She said, “There is a family, that’s waiting patiently,
and pretty soon we’ll find them, just you wait and see.“
And then they’ll join our circle they’ll help to make it grow,
so there’ll be room for more like you, who have no place to go.”

I waited very patiently, the days they came and went.
Today’s the day I thought, my family will be sent.
Then just when I began to think it wasn’t meant to be,
there were people standing there just gazing down at me.

I knew them in a heart beat, I could tell they felt it too.
They said, “We have been waiting for a special dog like you.”
Now every night I say a prayer to all the gods that be.
“Thank you for the life I live and all you’ve given me.“

But most of all protect the dogs in the pound and on the street.
And send a Rescue Person to lift them off their feet.”

Arlene Pace September 18, 1998

why can't we have that?

2011-10-05T05:50:00.000-07:00

I have hit a wall. the wall that many people struggling with infertility often bang their head against!

I think this time of year is especially hard. Fall festivals, people out strolling babies in the nice weather more than usual, decorating for Halloween, etc. Everything is geared towards family and children. Why can't we have a double stroller filled with little ones? Why does this have to be so hard? It seems like everyone I know just gets pregnant when they even look at their husband. I'm jealous.

I have been having one of those nights where I feel hopeless and not able to understand why this has to be so hard for us. I am worried about our upcoming IVF cycle in December and have started the "What-if's?" I am thankful my insurance covers one more IVF during my lifetime, but that also scares me. It's not fair how much money people have to put into this when there are so many freaking people that don't want kids and have them!

There is a BIG part of me that wants to get the ball rolling with adoption. We have talked to several different agencies and are looking into a domestic adoption. we actually started investigating this pre August IVF and we have been saving every penny for adoption because it is SO expensive! We are trying to decide which agency we like best. What gives me hope is several friends adoption stories and how it gave them the family they longed for. There is a good tax credit for adoption, and my company gives a 5,000 adoption assistance- this will definitely help!

I guess I am just being impatient. I need to chill out and adjust my attitude. I do think it's ok to have lots of days like this and we just want this NOW. So very badly. We would give anything!

I am going to print this off and put it on my refrigerator, car, dresser, etc. just to remind me of the truth in this and that I need to fully comply with this every day!

Thanks for letting me vent :)

New company car! YAY!

2011-10-04T08:57:00.000-07:00

I am so EXCITED about my new company car that I ordered Friday. They gave us VW options for 2012 and i am pumped! It was either the Jetta wagon or the Passat. I knew immediately I wanted the cute Passat. I test drove it and am in love! I just have 7 more long weeks to wait before it comes in.
i think I am most excited about the heated seats, leather and sunroof! I have never ever been given options like these before on a company car. And since my office is basically my car I am loving it!
It also has TDI® technology which runs on ultra-low-sulfur diesel fuel, helping reduce sooty emissions by up to 90% compared to previous diesel engines.So it's better for the environment and gets 43, yes 43 MPG!
can't wait for this great car to arrive so I can ditch my current company car which has not been a good car! :)

BUSY 2 weeks!

2011-10-04T08:08:00.000-07:00

The last 2 weeks have been non-stop busy. I am honestly glad to have some down time now!

we started off the whirlwind of events with my stepbrothers wedding weekend 2 weeks ago with a great rehersal dinner, then the wedding the next day. We had a little too much fun rehersal dinner night and ended up at Ronnie grisanti's (a restaurant and bar we love) after the dinner, which always equals a not so good post-day every time we go! I was still struggling 24 hours later at the reception downing water left and right.

My mom and sisters

brian and me

Past Time to go home!

The wedding was beautiful and a big congrats to the newlyweds, Mr. and Mrs. Kimbal Cross Gordon! My niece Ella was the flower girl and this role was so fitting to her personality- walking down the asile waving, swaying at the alter to the music. She is too funny and we were cracking up! About an hour into the reception she was so exhausted she fell asleep in my arms. I savored that moment because it's rare to get that time ever w this busy 5 year old!

On the other hand, My 18 month old nephew, James, was a dancing machine. he did not stop moving the entire night! Here are a couple of clips of this sweet little busy man! he had a marshmallow in each hand from the adorable candy bar!

Ella wanted to have a slumber party at our house, so she spent the night and all of the energy she didn't have at the wedding came back in full force when we got home! we had fun but that child moves around the bed all night long, so I slept none. But it was worth it as she is only 5 for a little while. her favorite color is blue so we found all things blue around my house for her to keep. She was super excited!
Ella loves my dogs- especially "princess Flower' our foster dog that she named. She wanted to play with them in the backyard on Sunday am, so I walked out and found this:

She had Sadie (who has never been in a kennel ever) locked in the kennel, and a death grip on Princess- haha! of course while wearing all of her blue still! :)I know this terrible door needs to be removed or painted!

Buddy is hoping he's not next!!!!!

watching My Little Pony

After she left Brian and I hit the road for my sales meeting in New orleans. It was a long day of driving!

I am glad to be home!!!!!

Timing...

2011-09-23T08:15:00.000-07:00

How incredible is the feeling when someone enters your life out of the blue and helps you in a MAJOR way? Just in time to push you in the right direction or to help you make a big decision.
Well, this has happened to us TWICE in the last couple of months. I know this is God's way of working and leading us in the right direction! I just know it!!!

1. Randomly on facebook I met a lady who is a friend of a friend and has a daughter who went through IVF- she also had a failed cycle. Long story short- she told me about Rachel's experience and how she found a wonderful accupuncture doctor named Judi Harrick. judi helped her tremendously through accupuncture getting her body ready for fertility treatment. Along with Judi, she did fertility treatment with Dr. Murray- the doctor who I am loving in Chattanooga. She now has twin boys! This led me to Judi AND Dr. Murray

2. Judi also mentioned Dr. Murray being wonderful when I told her we wanted 2nd opinions

3. My mother in law has a new counterpart who ALSO went to Dr. Murray! She just started working w my Mother in law 3 weeks ago. Right after our IVF cycle failed as we were moving to plan b. We met her and her husband and enjoyed talking to them about all of this and their experience with dr. Murray. This reinforced all of the incredible things we have heard about him!

So- before a couple of months ago I had NO IDEA that ANY of these people existed. Now 2 of them could be some of the most important people in our lives. I really think it is fate.

AND...Dr. Murray answered 2 emails from me yesterday AND called me today to answer a few more questions.
I have NEVER met a doctor like this in my life and feel so at ease and comfortable asking anything.

we can get in to his clinic to start stimulation on December 2, then retrieval around december 12th. Just in time to find out at Christmas if we will be having a baby. This would also give Judi over 3 months to get my body balanced and ready.

900 NEEDLE STICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-09-22T12:53:00.000-07:00

I decided to do the math with all of the fertility treatments, starting from day one of figuring this infertility thing out!
And this is coming from a TRUE needle-phob. My friend Erica in Mobile can attest to this fear of mine! :)

Lab- Blood draws- 22 times stuck in the arm

Shots during two rounds of IUI- 14

Shots during IVF, including progesterone- 33 shots
***NOTE***- To the makers of Follistim...A LARGER cartridge would be wonderful so you don't have to change cartridges to get the rest of the dose and take 2 shots!!!******

Ultrasounds-15

anesthesia- 1

IV for anesthesia- 1

Hysterosalpingogram-1

Sonohystogram-1

letrazol- 4 months to try to "enhance" ovulation

accupuncture- 800 needles inserted. 15 0n average per appointment. Going since April and was going 2x a week April-August

b12, vitamin c injections- 34

flu shot- Just because I apparently can't get enough needles!

So...around-

105 injections-lab draws associated with fertility
Plus 800 needle sticks with accupuncture

Almost 1000 sticks all to get pregnant! I am pretty proud of myself considering that I wouldn't even inject saline into my stomach during product training for my job!
And we are about to do this all over again! Maybe I can hit 1500 by end of year :)

Decisions Decisions

2011-09-22T07:04:00.000-07:00

I am feeling a little overwhelmed right now. I'm not sure if it's because everyone around me is pregnant, and I am not joking when I say everyone. Of course I am so incredibly happy for my friends, but at the same time it is tough. And i'm not trying to have a pity party for us, but I just don't understand! WHY NOT US? Why do we have to go through this excruciating process when it is so easy for others? I guess nothing comes easy, but there is an underlying fear I have being so scared this will not work ever! I am so glad to have a wonderful supportive husband and a sweet friend who understands every bit of this emotional roller coaster as she is going through this too! I think we were separated at birth! She is my rock though-Thank you CD!!!!!

Ok, moving on to the positive.....

Last night we had our phone consult with Dr. William Schoolcraft at CCRM in Colorado. The consult was 250.00 and all paperwork was done via internet with a username, password and file online. We enjoyed our conversation with this amazing doctor. we had heard that if he doesn't think he can help you, he will turn you away. He didn't, so that gave us hope which was music to our ears. Basically he thinks it all boils down to the stimulation and the lab. Either my embies didn't like the stimulation I was on or the lab. So this really got us thinking about the lab, and how a lab can make or break a pregnancy!
he is also big on chromosomal testing to make sure there isn't an issue there. The tests he does are so innovative and I know this facility is top notch.
Problem is- it is in Denver. And I hate to fly. It's a 20 hour drive. I'm worried that my stress and anxiety of flying would affect my stress level which would not be productive in this and could really diminish my chances. Again- why can't things be easy.
Where is the magic wand right now that we can wave to make our decisions.

I love watching Giuliana and Bill and love how they have shared their fertility struggles with the world. I cry every time I watch because my heart hurts for her and I know exactly how they feel. we watched the episode from Monday night after my friend who I mentioned above texted me and told me G and B were at CCRM! They are going to do IVF with dr. Schoolcraft. With the doctor that we had our phone consult with just 3 hours before. They could go anywhere in this world and they picked him. Is this a sign? It all adds to the major decision we have to make! Again- where's that magic wand?

So- here are our options:
Please pray we make the right decision!

Dr. Murray- Tennessee Reproductive medicine, Chattanooga, TN

Dr. Ahlering- SHER Institute St. Louis

Dr. Schoolcraft- CCRM Colorado

Fertility Fun in the SL!

2011-09-20T06:42:00.000-07:00

Sunday brian and I drove to St. Louis Missouri for our day of fertility appointments. It's only a 4.5 hour drive from Memphis, boring drive, but completely do-able! brian finally caved and bought an ipad on Friday knowing we will be doing lots of traveling- especially retrieval-transfer time. He was able to work the whole way there which is great! It's all about billable hours-haha! Now if I could just pry the ipad from his hands to be able to use it!!!

We enjoyed the hotel as it was raining and dreary outside and then went over to the mall. I was disappointed that we missed the grand opening of Nordstrom by just a few days! Sunday night we went to the lobby bar for a drink before dinner and they had tango lessons going on which was definitely some amazing people watching! Then we had dinner at a wonderful restaurant called Harvest. They use all organic, fresh local ingredients. They had a scallop corn dog- wierd I know but it actually worked. My sis in law and her boyfriend came out to meet us since they were still in town from a wedding in the are the night before. We had a great night.

We started the day off Monday with a phone consult with dr. Rink Murray in Chattanooga, TN- which is 5 hours from memphis. he set the bar EXTREMELY high for our other appointments. We talked to him for 1.5 hours and he had so many great ideas and wonderful insight, next steps, etc. I loved everything he had to say and he had the best personality. We also appreciated how he broke everything down into terms we could truly understand. I LOVE that he does all of the testing and is super involved in the process. The only thing he does not do himself is the bloodwork. I did not even see my doctor one time until retrieval day. Nor did my doctor do either of my IUI's. he has already followed up letting us know he typed everything up from our appointment. Talk about being on top of things!!!! And I love that he has more of a "boutique" practice. I definitely wouldn't just be a number here. My feeling that I had before this appointment was that this would be my favorite, and so far he is the front runner!

The second appointment we had was with dr. Sherman Silber. He was a nice man and has a crazy amount of experience. We started this appointment off in the hospital with an ultrasound. i had 29 follicles which we were happy with. But he proposed the mini-ivf, which only makes 3-4 eggs, then he freezes them for 3 months before transfer. I want to MAKE more eggs because I will be 35 next year- the clock is ticking. We also don't want to wait 3 months for a transfer. All of the tests are done in the hospital which is intimidating to me. I also didn't love that I felt like I had stepped into 1980 in the office. Nothing was new or updated- there were tons of VHS tapes everywhere. Then we were shuffled into a non- friendly room with an administrator wanting us to secure our date with 500.00. I think this man is incredibly talented, but this is just not for us.

Our last appointment was at 3 PM with Dr. Peter Ahlering. he is with the SHER Institute. We really liked him alot. he met with us for about 2 hours and had some really good ideas. They are big on it all being about the sperm and egg and not all being created equal. They have an incredible lab and a microscope they use for sperm selection. I never really thought about some sperm being better than others, but with this technology they can "hand select" the best ones to ICSI the egg. You could have a perfect egg, but if the sperm isn't right, it won't work. he does not think I have an egg quality issue. He thinks I was under stimulated with the wrong protocol. He also does all of the tests minus the bloodwork himself.

Speaking of protocol- not one person really likes the antagonist protocol that we used for IVF. No matter what dr we pick, we will not be doing this same protocol.

next up is CCRM in Colorado with Dr. Schoolcraft. I have decided I would prefer to be within driving distance. But I will be anxious to hear what he has to say and how he would proceed with next steps-treatment plans.

We are so glad that we did this yesterday as everyone had different insight and ideas. We are ready to proceed with another cycle soon. Now we just have some big decisions to make! :) We are feeling extremely positive and learned alot from our first IVF experience.

Paperwork OVERLOAD!!!!!!!!

2011-09-15T07:18:00.000-07:00

I am literally cross-eyed from filling out paperwork for fertility doctors! WHEW!
However, I am not complaining because I am so excited about our quest to find the perfect doctor. next week is our big week. We have 4 consults in one week. It's funny how they just so happened to fall within the same week. Here is what our busy week looks like:

Sunday- Travel to St. Louis and have a day of fun!

monday- 9:30: Phone consult with Dr. Rink Murray in Chattanooga (trmbaby.com)
Dr. Murray used to be with the clinic I have been going to but moved to Chattanooga. We have heard just amazing things about him and are so excited about meeting him! My initial thoughts are that he may be "the one" and I am glad he is our first consult. Kind of like looking at a wedding dress and finding the one you really love, then coming back to it after you see others.

Monday 1 PM- Ultrasound for Dr. silber before our consult
He likes to have this done right before his meeting just to see what he's working with. And hey, it's been over a month since I have seen this lovely wand that I was so hoping to NEVER see again- haha! What's another ultrasound, right? Dr. Silber created the ICSI process which I thought was really cool!

Monday 2 PM- Face to face with Silber

drive 5.5 hours back to memphis

Tuesday- 5 PM- Phone consult with SHER Institute in St. Louis
We were hoping to get a face to face with them on Monday, since we will already be in SL. But it looks like we aren't going to get a spot and will be doing a phone consult

Wednesday 5 PM- CCRM phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft
I have to admit, I am most excited about this appointment. This man is seriously the Fertility guru and has a wealth of knowledge. Not that others don't, but I feel a little star struck with Dr. Schoolcraft-haha! His success rates are outstanding. The only problem is that I am a freak about flying. Hate it! I act like a complete fool and don't like one thing about it. I honestly never fly unless it is for work- pitiful I know! So, trying to eliminate stress and flying don't mix well.

And we are still toying with the idea of a fertility clinic in Birmingham that is supposed to be phenomenal. they don't do phone consults though, so it would be another trip out of town, but Birmingham is only 3.5 hours away!

Please pray that we will find the perfect doctor to fit our needs! I am so excited to share my findings after our consults :)

Today=great day!

2011-09-13T12:49:00.000-07:00

Lots of things have made me a happy girl today!

Getting to do the introduction for my sweet cousins senior speech this AM.
She attends Hutchison School which is all girls and they each have a senior speech throughout the semester they get to create and read. Her senior class was so sweet and I loved seeing the bond these girls have with each other. Seems like yesterday I was picking her up in the PreK carpool line!

I am so excited about my MISSONI finds at Target today! My mother and I met there to take a peek at what they had and women were grabbing up everything they could as fast as possible! It was nuts! I love Target and can always count on them to do something like bring in a spectacular designer who is upwards of 1000.00 to their store to create some affordable Missoni pieces! Apparently for the first time in history their website crashed bc of Missoni hitting their site today!

http://fashionista.com/2011/08/here-it-is-the-full-missoni-for-target-lookbook/

Had Lunch with 3 of my favorite nurses :)

Going to Dinner with a couple who went through IVF several times and now have a 7 month old little girl!!!!!

Brian setting up hotel reservations for Sunday night in St. Louis at The Ritz Carlton. Looking forward to our appointment at the other fertility clinic on Monday!!! and a much needed one night get away

That I finally have my medical records from the fertility clinic!!!!!!!

Can't beat some retail therapy!!!!

2011-09-07T15:23:00.000-07:00

Every girl needs a little retail therapy every once in a while- especially after fertility treatments! Yesterday I worked in a little town in MS that has my favorite boutique- Janie Rose Boutique, and I couldn't resist a few things. I was trying to be practical (planning cute dresses for football games is practical, right?) and left with a few dresses I am in love with ! I Still have some more stupid IVF weight hanging around, but hopefully that will come off soon.

I am so excited about this fun dress!

judith March is one of my favorites and this was a must have for the Alabama-Ole Miss Game in Oxford. Nothing Says ROLL TIDE like some cute houndstooth!
I hope the weather will be permissive in october for this still! It is Memphis though and it could easily be in the 90's or in the 50's- guess I will need to find "plan B" outfit too!

Janie Rose updates what they have in stock every day and will ship anywhere!
http://www.facebook.com/janieroseboutique?sk=photos

Not Yet, striving to get to yes!

2011-09-06T09:51:00.000-07:00

As hard as it is to understand sometimes I have to remember that God Has a plan and answer for us. I loved this so much!!!

Taking charge of MY fertility!

2011-09-06T07:13:00.000-07:00

Since we got our bad news I have decided that I am not going to let infertility beat me! I will win this battle no matter what it takes. I will not back down. And the most important thing I have learned so far is that educating myself is key! before we get our second opinions later this month I want to know as much as possible about my diagnosis and why i am not getting pregnant.
I went into my first IVF thinking that the doctor would take care of everything and I was majorly wrong! I would have asked a million more questions had I known.

Here is what I am doing:

Accupuncture with a new doctor specializing in fertility

Going organic- yes this is tough, but it is possible

Phyto-estrogen foods- since my diagnosis is low estrogen which basically holds a pregnancy, I want to incorporate lots of these foods in my diet. I have a HUGE list of foods that are rich in phyto-estrogen. Flax seed being the best, which luckily I can sprinkle on various foods I eat!

Reading, reading and more reading/researching
***I highly suggest Dr. Schoolcraft from Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine's book "If At First You Don't Conceive" VERY good info I wish I had known from the start!

getting 2nd and even 3rd opinions

Having a positive outlook and not giving up on this!

Seeing beautiful every day (Thanks to some great inspiration by a sweet new friend. You have to check out Seeing Beautiful-)

researching fertility clinics and having phone consults

reaching out to others who have been through this for their advice

Qigong- Meditation-stretching exercises to help the chi flow and create balance and harmony

herbs and vitamins

Cutting back on stress!!!!!!!!!

20 min foot soak every day and warming my lower belly per accupuncture dr's instructions

Keeping myself busy and surrounding myself with positive

Adventures with a new accupuncture dr!

2011-09-05T15:32:00.000-07:00

I am so excited about the new clinic I switched to for accupuncture! I have so much great information and Judi (my new dr.) is the fertility guru and has helped so many people get pregnant after failed IUI, IVF and natural cycles. This will involve pretty big lifestyle changes, but I am willing to do whatever it takes!

I have been going to accupuncture for 6 months twice a week at a clinic I liked, but a major language barrier made optimal communication very tough. Overall, I truly feel better with my sinuses, allergies and asthma in better shape. But unfortunately I am still lacking in the fertility department! I was ready for a change of scenery and someone who would be very thorough.
I had a sweet friend reach out to me about Judi Harrick and what she did for her and about 15 other people she knew. Bottom line is they had fertility treatments that did not work, went to Judy and stuck to her plan and got pregnant! Whether they conceived naturally, or did another fertility treatment with Judi's accupuncture integrated in. Since I have found out about her I can't tell you how many stories I have heard of "You have to go and see Judi- my sister who had a failed IVF got pregnant after she treated her" which gives me lots of HOPE!

So, how does this work? Herbal supplements, diet, one on one time with her getting to know my body and what she can do to help it, and of course the accupuncture treatments weekly. I spent 3 hours with her for my first appointment! It's all about getting the Qi (pronounced chi- which means life force within us) to be full and move smoothly and balanced.

So here are the rules:
No smoking- easy, didn't smoke anyway
No alcohol- I will def. miss my wine!!!!!
No caffeine or coffee- easy, not a fan of either really. Except for Pumpkin Spiced Latte time!
Decrease strenuous exercise- I can def. handle that! :)
Eat as organic as possible- Great habit I have needed to get into anyways! But tough when choosing restaurants
Increase whole grains, decrease animal product intake- this will be a little tough bc meats will only be 10 % of diet.
Eat warm, cooked food. eat root foods and dark greens- Pretty easy
Avoid raw and cold foods- hard
Don't drink iced drinks while eating- very hard
No white flour, white sugar or dairy! HARD HARD HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This will be the most difficult for me

So basically my diet will consist of: 50% whole grains, 40% lightly cooked veggies, and 10% meats!

I am nervous but excited to do this. I definitely don't want to fail! I am willing to do whatever it takes to have a baby and what great habits to get into in the meantime!!! :)

Asking for prayers!

2011-09-01T19:46:00.000-07:00

Today has been hard. One of the toughest days I have ever had. My sweet grandmother who has always been super "with-it" able to stay a step ahead in her late eighties has been struggling.
Well, this AM about 7 she was rushed to the hospital to find out she had a stroke. Apparently this happened 10 days or so ago. She has been struggling with her blood pressure recently (over the last few weeks) and her doctor passed it off as ANXIETY! She has gone in to see him several times during these last few weeks his direction has been for her to take xanax when she feels anxious or not normal. Way to go there dr- way to be passive! My opinion is (and I don't have a MD behind my name, but red flags are red flags) when all of this came about he should have sent her off for tests! tests, tests and more tests to make sure everything checked out ok as she is almost 90! Just because you are healthy up until now does NOT constitute for a diagnosis of "shes fading fast" or anxiety. C'mon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank God for the ER doctor today who ordered those tests, and lots of them, to find out that indeed my grandmother has had a stroke. After a long day in a shared room with the most obnoxious lady EVER who would not shut the hell up for one second- and I am not joking, she is finally in a room and will be undergoing more tests to figure out what to day. I am broken hearted seeing her in this state. I have been blessed to have her in my life for 34 years now and can't stand to see her suffer.
Please pray for my sweet grandmother. If you all knew her and what an amazing woman she is you would all love her as much as I do. She is the most selfless person in the world who spends her life praying for everyone who needs it. Now it is her turn.

And also please pray I don't have a sprained wrist as I face planted down my parents 3 steps on their back door tonight while letting their dogs out!

This is an absolute MUST Read!

2011-09-01T06:58:00.000-07:00

i was absolutely speechless after reading this amazing story and had to share!!!!!http://lifelivedfully.com/2011/08/and-they-say-god-doesnt-do-miracles-this-might-just-change-your-mind/

dates set in stone!

2011-08-30T14:49:00.000-07:00

brian and I decided that we were going to St. Louis to meet Dr. Silber this friday. They had a 4 PM appointment with our name on it. Well, I get a call saying they are over booked.I understand things happen, but I sure was looking forward to a much needed mini- get away!
It looks like we are on the books for Monday, September 19th. I will be interested in what his thoughts and treatment plans are. Then we have our other two consults on the 20th and 21st. Looks like it will be a week full of new hope for us.

we are headed to Folks Folly tonight to celebrate my 34th birthday. I'm ready for a great dinner and some much needed wine! :)

Finally some light was shed on our situation!

2011-08-30T09:11:00.000-07:00

Today is my 34th birthday. I would never have thought several years ago I would be spending it on the phone with fertility clinics setting up consults and trying to figure out what to do next. My belief then was getting pregnant is easy- it happens when you want it to happen!!!!!!! Boy was I WRONG! We were hoping to be 5 weeks along today after our IVF cycle. Unfortunately it failed, so we are trying to fit the pieces of this crazy puzzle together.

We met with our dr. yesterday am and finally got some answers. I have now been moved out of the "unexplained infertility" category to "egg quality infertility" which honestly doesn't make this feel any better. Our doctor was very kind and patient with our list of questions. I really like him, but I just don't know if this clinic is the perfect fit for us. That's why we are going to get several other opinions at other clinics across the country. I am not a MD, but from going over the cycle, I am wondering why they didn't catch some of the issues. It's almost as if they were overlooked.

We went over my IVF cycle and these were his observations:

With egg factor infertility my eggs are not functioning as well as they would like. They need to make more estrogen. The max I reached on my HCG trigger shot day was 1064, which they would have preferred double this. So...why didn't they try to fix this before the HCG trigger shot and egg retrieval, knowing this was a major red flag? Each follicle is supposed to make 200 of estrogen, so with my 12, mine definitely fell very short!
He also thought I should have produced more eggs. This could have been that they started me off on a very low dose my first 3 days and my stimulation was terrible right out the gate. I know it is all about adjustments, but I feel wish they would have familiarized themselves with my previous records from my two IUI's and gone with a plan to get my estrogen up.
the next thing he mentioned were the receptors the eggs and how important it is for the medicine to interact with the eggs through these receptors. He is worried mine may not be doing that good enough.
There is an issue with my left ovary because the right side is the one producing the follicles.

So...where do we go from here???? He suggested IVF #2, rather than a frozen embryo transfer for our one blastocyst. He likes to have two to transfer due to the 30-40 percent chance of the blast not surviving the freeze. he wants me to have more eggs.
The dr. wants to do a Flair protocol, rather than an antagonist protocol (which is what I did first cycle) with a microdose lupron that would give estrogen a push right at the beginning. If it didn't go up, then the second IVF would likely be a failure again, which is so scary to think about.

brian and I are looking into other clinics around the country and have phone consultations with CCRM in Colorado, and Sher Institute in St. Louis late September. We also may travel to St. Louis this Friday for an appointment with Dr. silber at Infertility Center of St. Louis. He seems really advanced in his practice and Sarah Jessica Parker actually went to him for fertility issues. It will be interesting to hear what protocol other providers would want to do with me now that something is pinpointed. Ideally I would love to stay here in memphis to avoid the stress of travel while going through this difficult process, so we will see what others say!
We are going to figure this out one way or another, no matter what it takes!

It's all in the music!

2011-08-28T13:14:00.000-07:00

Music always makes me feel better. There's nothing like a good song to sing along with or cry to. As much as I am in my car every day I listen to alot of music. Here is my playlist that I am loving right now, with several songs that have really helped me get through this tough past week!

Dream- Priscilla Ahn- This is a must download!!!!!
Fix You- Coldplay
The Good Stuff- Kenny Chesney
You'll Be Fine- Widespread Panic
jesus Take The Wheel- Carrie Underwood
Blessings- Laura Story
Constellations- Jack Johnson
Forever Young- Bob Dylan
Toes- Zac Brown
Heaven- Talking Heads
I Won't Let Go- Rascal Flats
Sometimes You Can't Make it on your own- U2
No Place that far- Sara Evans
Romeo and Juilet- Dire Straits
If I Had the World to Give- Grateful dead
Instant Karma- John Lennon
If I Didn't Know Any Better- Alison Krauss & Union Station
Good Day For the Blues- Storyville
Until You- Dave Barnes
Flock of Words- Trey Anastasio
Come Monday- Jimmy Buffett
Just Like Heaven- The Cure
It's a Great Day to Be Alive- Travis Tritt
All These Things that I've Done- The Killers
Learning to Fly- Tom Petty
If I Could- Phish

What if Trials of this life are your mercies in disguise...

2011-08-28T12:55:00.001-07:00

I had a sweet friend message me on Friday to tell me about this song. I bought it on itunes and have had it on replay since. I can't think of better lyrics during this time of my life. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mmgV6mPvb0

This brings me to a wonderful book I am reading called "When Life Is Hard" that honestly feels like this song should be inserted into this book! http://www.whenlifeishard.com/
I had another sweet friend encourage me to order this book the day after we found out. she said it has helped her through some tough times and is like food to her soul. I have loved every page of it, learning about trials and how God has a reason for every one he gives us. Even though we don't understand at that moment.

What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?

I feel like I am understanding more and more every day. God has a plan. We have to wait for him to give it to us.

picking up the pieces...

2011-08-26T15:05:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, Brian and I agreed to meet at home at noon to get the phone call from the fertility clinic to get our results so we could be together for this life changing moment. I probably should have realized when I walked in the house that this was not a good sign of what was to come. I left the room the way it was because I couldn't deal with the mess in the midst of the most important phone call's arrival! I was ready to kill Buddy for being so destructive though, but wanted only positive energy in the house.

After we hung up the phone, devastated, I realized that our offices that was in shambles was exactly how I felt at that moment. I felt like everything was spinning out of control and there was not one single thing I could do about it. Nothing.

It's 2 days later and I am still picking up the pieces. I haven't cleaned it all up yet because I am not completely ready. I feel that Monday after we meet with the doctor and get some answers I can close this chapter, pick up the remains in the office and start fresh.

the foster dog that knew

2011-08-24T22:55:00.000-07:00

I rescued 4 dogs from a horrible shelter in abbeville, louisiana back in february. They use a gas chamber for euthanization by choking dogs with lawnmower fumes-its awful and so inhumane.
My good friend megan fostered 2 and I fostered the other 2. She ended up keeping one of hers and her mother took the other she was fostering, so they found amazing homes!
We had george and "princess flower" who was named by ella, my 5 year old niece. George got adopted at the beginning of this month, so we still have princess. We have princess still because I adore this sweet girl. And today, she reinforced why I think she is the sweetest dog I have ever met.
Sadie and buddy have (luckily) never experienced what bad is. Sadie is a rescue dog, but was pulled by a rescue at one day old. Princess has been through it all. I have never seen a more pitiful dog when it storms. Its obvious she has had to live out in the elements. She has been a mother already. Her little teeth in the front are rotted out-im sure from poor nutrition when she had to fend for herself. And she has heartworms. But this girl has the best spirit of any dog I have ever seen. Her original name was "wags" because her tail literally wags in a complete circle.
Today she sat with me in the living room after we got the news. She was laying on the rug and I was on the couch, heartbroken. I had been crying and noticed she wouldn't take her eyes off of me and was just a few inches away from me. She started blinking heavily, almost like she was crying with me. It made me think of all the has been through in her little life and she really seemed to understand how I feel. She knows what it feels like to be heartbroken and traumatized. This little girl has my heart, and I may have to ease brian into the idea of us being a 3 dog family!

when do the tears stop?

2011-08-24T22:32:00.000-07:00

We are heartbroken. IVF did not work for us. All that we have worked so hard for the last few months is gone. This honestly feels similar to what experiencing a death is like to me.
Brian and I met at home today at noon to wait for the call. They gave us a window between 12-2. We sat in silence just waiting. When the phone rang I answered it and failed to put it on speaker. I didn't hear one word past "unfortunately negative" and burst into tears. Brian had to call back to get further instructions. I "de-IVF'd" our house. No more sharps containers, pictures of embryos, lists of meds or anything having to do with any of this as a reminder. After about an hour of constant tears and anger I went in the backyard and tilled up mulch beds. It felt good to let anger out and hit the ground! I had to do something to release these emotions.
I'm so angry! Why? Why? Why? We did everything right! We had 2 high grade embryos. Why did they do a 3 day instead of a 5 day transfer? We had one make it to a 6 day blastocyst. And I believe the 2 they implanted would have made it to blastocysts as well. I know the doctor makes the decisions, but this is our life too! They would have had such a better chance of surviving. Its all so overwhelming and I want answers. Right now!
Unfortunately, the doctor has to meet with the whole embryology team to see what went wrong, what could have been done better, etc. The doctor was going to call me to give me this info. Luckily brian explained that this is better suited as a sit down meeting and we need to be "fit in" to his solidly booked calendar.
So where do we go from here? Our lives are forever changed. I feel like God is testing me. Its hard to understand what his plan is for us and I'm mad that he did not answer our prayers. I have a constant stream of tears. I don't even think I'm crying and look down to see tears rolling down my face. I don't even want to get out of bed tomorrow. I hope this gets easier. We appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. We were absolutely touched by the amount of messages we received today. It was so humbling. We need prayers now more than ever.

could this be the last injection tonight?

2011-08-23T18:50:00.000-07:00

I'm 10 minutes away from taking what could be my last progesterone shot. I act like a 5 year old child each night when it's time for brian to jab me with the inch and a half needle, but I know it has to be done and I am willing to do whatever it takes.

reality really sunk in and it hit me hard moments ago, thinking it is possible this could be the last injection I do. And the last estrogen patches I put on my stomach tonight as well. Or the last time I have to ice the injection site. as much as I despise these injections I would do them for the rest of my life if it meant we have a healthy baby. I want to do these for 8 more weeks and pray that we have the opportunity. This is such an emotional night and I am praying we get good news.

Less than 24 hours away...I am sick at my stomach!

2011-08-23T13:26:00.000-07:00

Find more Lee Ann Womack albums at Myspace Music

First I want to say THANK YOU to all of our sweet friends and family for all of the messages of us being in your thoughts and prayers this week. We are so appreciative and lucky to have each of you in our lives.

This is tough. I am an absolute emotional wreck right now.My mind is flooded with emotions. Everything we have worked so incredibly hard for the last 3 months is riding on this one test tomorrow. We will know if every bit of blood, sweat and tears we have put into this worked. Honestly, I don't know what I am going to do if we get negative results. My world will be absolutely crushed. We have come SO CLOSE to making this dream a reality at this point and this just has to work! It has to.

I have good moments and bad moments. Since day one of starting IVF I made the promise of staying positive no matter how hard every day of this is.Brian has helped push me through the bad. But I am struggling right now. We have never had a good outcome when it comes to a pregnancy test, which scares me to death. I pray that these embryos were strong enough to implant and grow. It's definitely a coin toss when it comes to IVF. It creates miracles for some and destroys dreams for others. It's terrifying because IVF is the most intricate infertility treatment (scientifically and costly) you can do, so what's next? Where do you go from here?

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Please pray for us to make it through tomorrow. We need every prayer in the world.

Leave it to my sister Mary to make me laugh though- she said she would have wine for either outcome- Fake, non-alcohol wine for positive and real wine for negative result. I explained to her I would probably down a magnum (or 2) at that point if it is negative! I needed that laugh today!!

PS- This Lee Ann Womack song is incredible. I have had it on repeat the past 24 hours. GREAT song!

what happens with the embryos every day

2011-08-22T10:30:00.000-07:00

I have been so curious about what these little embryos have been up to day by day. I have a blogger friend (who just found out she is PREGNANT-YAY!!!!!!) that posted this timeline on her page. We are on day 10 today and it is amazing there is fetal development!

What Happens After an Embryo Transfer?
Once you complete your embryo transfer, you will have approximately 1½ weeks to wait before a pregnancy can be detected. The following tables outline an approximate timeline for what happens during a successful pregnancy after a 3-day transfer (3dt).

3-Day Transfer- which is what we had

1 day past 3 day transfer: The embryo continues to grow and develop, turning from a 6-8 cell embryo into a morula

2dp3dt: The cells of the morula continue to divide, developing into a blastocyst

3dp3dt: Three The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell

4dp3dt: The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus

5dp3dt: The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation

6dp3dt: Implantation continues

7dp3dt: Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop

8dp3dt: Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream

9dp3dt: Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted

10dp3dt: Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted

11dp3dt: Eleven Levels of hCG are now high enough to detected

I go in on day 12 for my beta test to find out!I can't even explain the anticipation and emotions I am experiencing right now. PLEASE hurry Wednesday!!!!!!!

A couple of cheerful songs

2011-08-20T08:39:00.000-07:00

We are 4 days away from our beta test to find out if we are pregnant. Time is literally standing still. This is TOUGH! Here are a couple of songs I like to listen to every day to make me smile and know that everything is going to be fine!
However, I would be even better listening to Bob Marley on a beach somewhere with a frozen "mocktail" in my hand. :)
These are a couple pics from watersound Beach in June. My most favorite place in the entire WORLD!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LanCLS_hIo4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3LMVJ2xd1g8

Dear progesterone,

2011-08-20T08:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Progesterone Injections,
I am NOT a fan of you. Every night at 9 PM I have to get stuck with this ridiculously large needle in my hip! And as if that's not enough, your side effects are terrible. I can barely keep my eyes open I am so exhausted. My whole body hurts and the bruises you leave behind are not pretty!
Please do your job and make me pregnant and I promise not to complain anymore- knowing EVERY injection will be worth it!

Sincerely-
Lauren and our two embryos

PS- We have officially filled up an entire sharps container!

A video of our IVF Journey

2011-08-18T13:41:00.000-07:00

Patience IS a virtue!

2011-08-17T06:31:00.000-07:00

I have always been a very impatient person. It's something I strive to get better at in my life. If I want something done, I want it done immediately! Well, this week I am really having to practice my "being patient" skills. They need lots of improvement :)
Today We are ONE WEEK away from finding out if we are pregnant! I am counting down the hours, minutes, seconds until 8 am on August 24th!!!!!!!!!! This is really tough. Last week was hard waiting on the calls from the embryologist, but this definitely kicks it up a notch...A lot of notches!!! I will say that this past week flew by-even being on bed rest. It's hard to believe at this moment last week I was going under anesthesia for our retrieval. here we are one week later and survived!
I have been reading a lot- finished The Carrie diaries and am now reading The Help. I love it so far but already know it will be a tearjerker. I have caught up on alot of TV as well- probably too much! I have been trying to occupy all my time so I don't think too much. That can be dangerous! I am ready to go back to work tomorrow!
i decided to work on a project for our bare wall behind our bed. It has been 2 years and we have done nothing to our bedroom. I am a huge fan of burlap so I decided to use that. Now let's see how long it takes for these to actually get hung on the walls :)

TRANSFER DAY PICS!

2011-08-16T11:18:00.000-07:00

Brian has always made me laugh when it comes to being supersticious. We witness this just about every weekend in the fall when a Alabama football game is on. He has a certain pair of pants and a shirt that he likes to wear that were part of the attire on a big win like the natonal championship, etc. he has even made outfit changes in the middle of a game. So transfer day he was getting dressed and said he didn't want to wear pink or blue because he wanted to be "neutral" and not let the embryos think he was pulling for a specific sex. This made me laugh pretty hard. So he decided on the trusty green shirt he wore on retrieval day since we had a good retrieval.

Here are a few other pics :)

we have one little blastocyst!

2011-08-16T11:07:00.000-07:00

I feel a lot more encouraged today than I did yesterday. yesterday was the hardest day of this process so far. Yesterday I talked to the embryologist and we had a few other embryos we were trying to get to "5 day blastocysts" which means they could be frozen and used for a frozen egg transfer at a later date. The outlook on these was grim and she wasn't confident any would make it to this stage. I was so sad last night. I was terrified that if the ones transferred Saturday did not work we would have no other options. It is a scary feeling after this grueling process. I don't think I could do two entire IVF cycles again. This is very hard. My body hurts physically and mentally. It is alot to endure. And the progesterone shots at night have just about sent me over the edge and I had a complete breakdown last night. Hello hormones! With the news around the blastocysts more than likely not making it, and the emotions of this whole process with the meds, needles and waiting to see if this has worked it was bound to happen.

Today is MUCH better. We got news that one embryo did make it to the blastocyst stage! So that embryo is now frozen for us. we are THRILLED! I can breathe much easier today and we are so thankful.

2 little embryos

2011-08-16T11:01:00.000-07:00

Well, here they are. We are so proud! :) We think the one on the right is going be a future alabama football star and the one on the left will be a spoiled little girl ! haha. It is truly miraculous, this entire process! We are already in love and hope these sweet babies are getting comfortable.

bedrest update

2011-08-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

Well, not much has been going on with me except for lots of rest and food! We came home saturday around 11 am and I have been in the bed since then. I plan to take off work for the majority of the week and go back on thursday. I hope I have been doing everything I can to get these little embryos comfortable :)
The hardest part (besides the wait to find out if we are pregnant on the 24th) is the progesterone shots. We have to do these shots every night at 9 and its torture. The needle is 1.5" and the progesterone is in oil so its thick and takes a while for the med to get through. Awful. The first night I seriously threw a tantrum and flipped out. Even if I ice the injection site, these still hurt because they go in the hip. The only advantage I do have is the several lbs I have gained to cushion the muscle its injected into! 9 pm is not a good time at our house every night!
My mother has sent over so much food and helped us so very much! We are so appreciative. And we had a wonderful dinner from the wages last night-thank you so much! We appreciate all the prayers and thoughts.

at home on bed rest with 2 little embryos!

2011-08-13T10:32:00.000-07:00

Today was our transfer day. We did it! I couldn't sleep at all last night, terrified that we could get a call that the embryos didn't progress the way they should. So many emotions (good and bad) fill your brain during this time! Its hard to get the wheels to stop spinning.
We went to accupuncture at 7 and then had our transfer at 8. We hit the jackpot having a saturday transfer. We were the only patient, besides one other ivf transfer there today. It was so quiet and peaceful at the surgery center today. The perfect setting to create the perfect environment for our embryos.
We were elated to get the news......two perfect embryos were the ones they selected for us! One was 8 cell grade 1, and the other is a 9 cell grade 1. These are the healthiest they can be! We are beyond blessed. They gave us a picture of our 2 embryos and the little dish that was their first home. I'm already attached and love them! The procedure was quick and easy, and I'm now on bed rest for several days to help get these little ones comfortable and wanting to implant.
Please pray these embryos have everything they need to implant and become babies. I urged them with a muddys cupcake a few minutes ago :) that would do the trick for me!
Thank you for everything so much! Every little bit of it! Prayers are working!