dates set in stone!

brian and I decided that we were going to St. Louis to meet Dr. Silber this friday. They had a 4 PM appointment with our name on it. Well, I get a call saying they are over booked.I understand things happen, but I sure was looking forward to a much needed mini- get away!
It looks like we are on the books for Monday, September 19th. I will be interested in what his thoughts and treatment plans are. Then we have our other two consults on the 20th and 21st. Looks like it will be a week full of new hope for us.

we are headed to Folks Folly tonight to celebrate my 34th birthday. I'm ready for a great dinner and some much needed wine! :)

Finally some light was shed on our situation!

Today is my 34th birthday. I would never have thought several years ago I would be spending it on the phone with fertility clinics setting up consults and trying to figure out what to do next. My belief then was getting pregnant is easy- it happens when you want it to happen!!!!!!! Boy was I WRONG! We were hoping to be 5 weeks along today after our IVF cycle. Unfortunately it failed, so we are trying to fit the pieces of this crazy puzzle together.

We met with our dr. yesterday am and finally got some answers. I have now been moved out of the "unexplained infertility" category to "egg quality infertility" which honestly doesn't make this feel any better. Our doctor was very kind and patient with our list of questions. I really like him, but I just don't know if this clinic is the perfect fit for us. That's why we are going to get several other opinions at other clinics across the country. I am not a MD, but from going over the cycle, I am wondering why they didn't catch some of the issues. It's almost as if they were overlooked.

We went over my IVF cycle and these were his observations:

With egg factor infertility my eggs are not functioning as well as they would like. They need to make more estrogen. The max I reached on my HCG trigger shot day was 1064, which they would have preferred double this. So...why didn't they try to fix this before the HCG trigger shot and egg retrieval, knowing this was a major red flag? Each follicle is supposed to make 200 of estrogen, so with my 12, mine definitely fell very short!
He also thought I should have produced more eggs. This could have been that they started me off on a very low dose my first 3 days and my stimulation was terrible right out the gate. I know it is all about adjustments, but I feel wish they would have familiarized themselves with my previous records from my two IUI's and gone with a plan to get my estrogen up.
the next thing he mentioned were the receptors the eggs and how important it is for the medicine to interact with the eggs through these receptors. He is worried mine may not be doing that good enough.
There is an issue with my left ovary because the right side is the one producing the follicles.

So...where do we go from here???? He suggested IVF #2, rather than a frozen embryo transfer for our one blastocyst. He likes to have two to transfer due to the 30-40 percent chance of the blast not surviving the freeze. he wants me to have more eggs.
The dr. wants to do a Flair protocol, rather than an antagonist protocol (which is what I did first cycle) with a microdose lupron that would give estrogen a push right at the beginning. If it didn't go up, then the second IVF would likely be a failure again, which is so scary to think about.

brian and I are looking into other clinics around the country and have phone consultations with CCRM in Colorado, and Sher Institute in St. Louis late September. We also may travel to St. Louis this Friday for an appointment with Dr. silber at Infertility Center of St. Louis. He seems really advanced in his practice and Sarah Jessica Parker actually went to him for fertility issues. It will be interesting to hear what protocol other providers would want to do with me now that something is pinpointed. Ideally I would love to stay here in memphis to avoid the stress of travel while going through this difficult process, so we will see what others say!
We are going to figure this out one way or another, no matter what it takes!

It's all in the music!

Music always makes me feel better. There's nothing like a good song to sing along with or cry to. As much as I am in my car every day I listen to alot of music. Here is my playlist that I am loving right now, with several songs that have really helped me get through this tough past week!


Dream- Priscilla Ahn- This is a must download!!!!!
Fix You- Coldplay
The Good Stuff- Kenny Chesney
You'll Be Fine- Widespread Panic
jesus Take The Wheel- Carrie Underwood
Blessings- Laura Story
Constellations- Jack Johnson
Forever Young- Bob Dylan
Toes- Zac Brown
Heaven- Talking Heads
I Won't Let Go- Rascal Flats
Sometimes You Can't Make it on your own- U2
No Place that far- Sara Evans
Romeo and Juilet- Dire Straits
If I Had the World to Give- Grateful dead
Instant Karma- John Lennon
If I Didn't Know Any Better- Alison Krauss & Union Station
Good Day For the Blues- Storyville
Until You- Dave Barnes
Flock of Words- Trey Anastasio
Come Monday- Jimmy Buffett
Just Like Heaven- The Cure
It's a Great Day to Be Alive- Travis Tritt
All These Things that I've Done- The Killers
Learning to Fly- Tom Petty
If I Could- Phish

What if Trials of this life are your mercies in disguise...

I had a sweet friend message me on Friday to tell me about this song. I bought it on itunes and have had it on replay since. I can't think of better lyrics during this time of my life. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mmgV6mPvb0

This brings me to a wonderful book I am reading called "When Life Is Hard" that honestly feels like this song should be inserted into this book! http://www.whenlifeishard.com/
I had another sweet friend encourage me to order this book the day after we found out. she said it has helped her through some tough times and is like food to her soul. I have loved every page of it, learning about trials and how God has a reason for every one he gives us. Even though we don't understand at that moment.

What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?

I feel like I am understanding more and more every day. God has a plan. We have to wait for him to give it to us.

picking up the pieces...

Wednesday, Brian and I agreed to meet at home at noon to get the phone call from the fertility clinic to get our results so we could be together for this life changing moment. I probably should have realized when I walked in the house that this was not a good sign of what was to come. I left the room the way it was because I couldn't deal with the mess in the midst of the most important phone call's arrival! I was ready to kill Buddy for being so destructive though, but wanted only positive energy in the house.

After we hung up the phone, devastated, I realized that our offices that was in shambles was exactly how I felt at that moment. I felt like everything was spinning out of control and there was not one single thing I could do about it. Nothing.

It's 2 days later and I am still picking up the pieces. I haven't cleaned it all up yet because I am not completely ready. I feel that Monday after we meet with the doctor and get some answers I can close this chapter, pick up the remains in the office and start fresh.

the foster dog that knew

I rescued 4 dogs from a horrible shelter in abbeville, louisiana back in february. They use a gas chamber for euthanization by choking dogs with lawnmower fumes-its awful and so inhumane.
My good friend megan fostered 2 and I fostered the other 2. She ended up keeping one of hers and her mother took the other she was fostering, so they found amazing homes!
We had george and "princess flower" who was named by ella, my 5 year old niece. George got adopted at the beginning of this month, so we still have princess. We have princess still because I adore this sweet girl. And today, she reinforced why I think she is the sweetest dog I have ever met.
Sadie and buddy have (luckily) never experienced what bad is. Sadie is a rescue dog, but was pulled by a rescue at one day old. Princess has been through it all. I have never seen a more pitiful dog when it storms. Its obvious she has had to live out in the elements. She has been a mother already. Her little teeth in the front are rotted out-im sure from poor nutrition when she had to fend for herself. And she has heartworms. But this girl has the best spirit of any dog I have ever seen. Her original name was "wags" because her tail literally wags in a complete circle.
Today she sat with me in the living room after we got the news. She was laying on the rug and I was on the couch, heartbroken. I had been crying and noticed she wouldn't take her eyes off of me and was just a few inches away from me. She started blinking heavily, almost like she was crying with me. It made me think of all the has been through in her little life and she really seemed to understand how I feel. She knows what it feels like to be heartbroken and traumatized. This little girl has my heart, and I may have to ease brian into the idea of us being a 3 dog family!

when do the tears stop?

We are heartbroken. IVF did not work for us. All that we have worked so hard for the last few months is gone. This honestly feels similar to what experiencing a death is like to me.
Brian and I met at home today at noon to wait for the call. They gave us a window between 12-2. We sat in silence just waiting. When the phone rang I answered it and failed to put it on speaker. I didn't hear one word past "unfortunately negative" and burst into tears. Brian had to call back to get further instructions. I "de-IVF'd" our house. No more sharps containers, pictures of embryos, lists of meds or anything having to do with any of this as a reminder. After about an hour of constant tears and anger I went in the backyard and tilled up mulch beds. It felt good to let anger out and hit the ground! I had to do something to release these emotions.
I'm so angry! Why? Why? Why? We did everything right! We had 2 high grade embryos. Why did they do a 3 day instead of a 5 day transfer? We had one make it to a 6 day blastocyst. And I believe the 2 they implanted would have made it to blastocysts as well. I know the doctor makes the decisions, but this is our life too! They would have had such a better chance of surviving. Its all so overwhelming and I want answers. Right now!
Unfortunately, the doctor has to meet with the whole embryology team to see what went wrong, what could have been done better, etc. The doctor was going to call me to give me this info. Luckily brian explained that this is better suited as a sit down meeting and we need to be "fit in" to his solidly booked calendar.
So where do we go from here? Our lives are forever changed. I feel like God is testing me. Its hard to understand what his plan is for us and I'm mad that he did not answer our prayers. I have a constant stream of tears. I don't even think I'm crying and look down to see tears rolling down my face. I don't even want to get out of bed tomorrow. I hope this gets easier. We appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. We were absolutely touched by the amount of messages we received today. It was so humbling. We need prayers now more than ever.