Since I have been neglecting my blog I have decided to back track and post about many exciting things that have happened over the last several months. At the top of the list- Brian and I are God parents! We are the proud God Parents to the most precious baby and adore him so much! We were incredibly honored when our friends Fred and Ellen asked us to fulfill the role of being Little Fred's God Parents! :) Recently Little Fred was baptized and we had such a fun weekend with their families who we love so much. There are no words to describe how beautiful his christening gown was. It has been worn by all of the babies on Big Fred's side of the family. Amazing heirloom! Such a fun weekend for this sweet angel!

We love you sweet little Fred!

Brian and I are certainly blessed with so many loving friends and family. Thanks for the tremendous amount of support that you offered this week. We are blessed! As expected, we have not heard a word from the people who did this. I keep saying closure would have made this easier, but I wouldn't believe one word that came out of their mouths anyway! Honestly, I am not sure how they can sleep at night knowing how they did this. But I guess that is how sociopaths operate! On another note...I feel like we are healing very well. We got a TON accomplished this week! We have started our home study for adoption, which is expected to take 6 weeks. We have narrowed it down to a couple of agencies and have a GREAT feeling about this! It feels really good to start this process and have guidance along the way from many experienced people. The home study has really sparked my inner cleaning Goddess to come out. I have been on a roll cleaning out closets, pantry, etc. Major cleaning going on at the Yoakum house! It has been a good rainy weekend to get started on paperwork and mapping out the steps of all that we need to do for the home study. It is truly the most amazing feeling to know that we will have a baby soon...within a year hopefully!!!!! VERY exciting! Thanks so much for all of your love and support! Love, lauren

I can't even begin to describe the pain brian and I have endured once again. Blow after blow after blow it seems. we are so ready for some good news! It HAS to happen. I know God has a plan and have to keep this at the front of my mind constantly. Sometimes it is tough when everything seems to fall into place for everyone else around us. Infertility is a cruel thing to have to live with and endure. I wanted to blog this morning about what brian and I have been going through over the last few months. Somehow this is a great outlet for me to release my sorrow, frustrations and anger that I have right now! Brian and I were introduced to a couple in January after IVF failed, through a friend who was willing to do anything in her power because our infertility story pained her so much. She was amazing and we thought we had a great plan. We were introduced to a family who seemed to be the perfect fit for helping us and we devised a plan. They had 2 children already and she was willing, able and thrilled to be a surrogate for us. In march we did the procedure with a specialist in Atlanta who specialized in surrogacy and endured more heartbreak with the news of yet another failed fertility procedure. Once again, no pregnancy. Weeks went on and we were unsure of what to do dealing with the flood of emotions that we have really gotten to know over the last 2 and a half years. This family had made the decision that they wanted to have a baby and have us adopt this child. They had their 2 precious children and in no way could have 3. We went around in circles with wondering if someone could actually go through with this. But we had heard stories of others where this worked and decided we wanted this. The family reassured us on a daily basis that they were going to do whatever it took and were in this 100% to help us. We were back to being excited and lived each day knowing the end result would be a baby. At the beginning of May we were told the news that she was pregnant! I can't even describe the pure joy we felt! Amazing! This was the week when my aunt was tragically killed in a car wreck. I felt God had created this new life for us in the midst of this tragedy. Weeks went on and we were told that she was spotting, but nothing to worry about. She had a doctors appointment but it seemed very odd that we did not get much information. However we were in contact every day and actually became very close. She knew she was our angel on Earth and God brought us together. She seemed to be thrilled and honored to help us. We were ecstatic! This past Friday, July 6, was the big day. She was going to the doctor and there was going to be an ultrasound. We were over the moon happy. At this point we had told nobody about this. Everything was being kept quiet until we saw the results of this ultrasound. At this point she would have been 10 weeks pregnant with the baby being due at the end of January. The first thing that I decided was odd was that she told me her appointment changed from July 2 to July 6. But I had complete faith in the girl. We got to know them well. Had dinner with them and their children. Completed fertility treatment with them. We knew these were good people. The second thing I noticed during her appointment that seemed strange was that I kept getting pop ups in my news feed where she was playing a game where you would guess a song after a clip was played. She had guessed about 50 songs from about 3-5 when she was at the 'doctor." I am in doctors offices daily with my job and people don't do this. She kept texting me and told me everything was great and she was going to the imaging center. The pop ups with her playing the music game kept coming. I was losing faith in a person that I thought was changing our lives. I felt like a little part of me was dying inside. Finally at 5;30 we received this:

164 bpm 7 weeks pregnant (was concerned how she went from 10 to 7 weeks but seeing that picture I put this to the side) ALL seemed right in the world suddenly. Any doubt I had went away and I sent the picture to my precious husband who was having a tough afternoon with a stressful job being an attorney. The message he sent back said "Wow. my bad day just went away. Amazing." He was so thrilled! We both were! Here was the picture of our precious baby we would meet in January. I started looking closely at the picture and decided that I wanted to be able to see everything this perfect picture said. We wanted to bathe ourselves in all the joy that comes with seeing your unborn baby on this picture. I asked her to send a clearer picture. She has an iphone and I believe an iphone takes the most clear, pristine images. Here is what I received:

My heart started to sink. I knew at this moment that she wasn't at the doctor. She was not having an ultrasound. I asked for another clear image and she said she would send as soon as she got home. We never saw that picture....because there wasn't one. brian and I sat in silence friday night. Hours passed. I sent her several messages asking if she would send the clear picture as I kept noticing the feeds come through of this girl playing her song game. But no reply to us. We felt like someone had sucked the life out of us, which is pretty accurate of what these people did. Finally we called them and left a message. Around 8:30 I received a message from her telling me she and her husband were going to talk after the children went to bed. I begged her to please keep me informed. Just hours before she was so excited to help! Here it is Sunday am and we still have not heard anything. I sent her a message yesterday asking her to please call us and have not heard one thing. I will never understand how someone could be this cruel. This is actually worse than a failed IVF. This girl was a friend. I loved her and her children. I loved hearing from her every day and cared the world for them. We had such a bond. Was she even pregnant? Did they have a change of heart? I could understand if they decided they could not go through this, but would have respected them so much for being up front and honest with us. The way this was handled was cruel and heartbreaking. wrong on so many levels. It will take us a long time to heal and it certainly makes me question putting my trust in anyone. I am always such a trusting person and see the best in people. I think that has been taken away from me forever after this! brian and I appreciate your prayers so much. I am heartbroken that so much of our time has been wasted and we are left with nothing but a severed heart. We pray that God will lead us in the right direction and help us through this.

feel like giving up...

Infertility is tough. Just when you think you have a great plan figured out you fall flat on your face and are back again at square one. I hate this all so much. When will this end and we have a child??? Such a cruel word we live in!