Thursday, December 6, 2012


We have been so incredibly busy! Good busy, preparing for this amazing day! This weekend the nursery will be painted and the furniture that is being housed in our garage will be moved into the nursery! Our guest bedroom will now become a room for our sweet baby boy :) It has been great to be able to buy blue things for our little man. We can't wait to meet him! We went to Atlanta for the SEC championship game this past weekend and picked up our dresser that we had custom made for the nursery. I am in love with it! It will be perfect with the iron crib and pretty armoire. I am definitely having to get creative with the lack of closet space! Can't wait to take pictures of the finished product. This is SO FUN!

Sunday, December 2, 2012

God is good!

It's been a whirlwind of events over the last month since we found out that we have been matched. We are still in such shock and absorbing every joyous moment. Originally we were hoping to be matched with an agency in TX, but sometimes life takes an unexpected turn. We could not be happier and know that God brought our birth family and us together. We love them so much. We will be heading to Utah for the birth at the end of January. In two months we will be given the greatest gift in the world through adoption. I know this will be the most emotional moment in our lives and can't wait. last year at this time we were going through IVF 2. It is hard to believe the complete flip of emotions we are experiencing this year. God is good!


Thursday, November 22, 2012

The post we have been waiting forever to write about!

It's here!!!!! We have dreamed about this moment. Almost 3 long years we have waited for good news. We have prayed for a child and God has answered our prayers! WE HAVE BEEN MATCHED! We have a precious baby boy due 2-8-13! More details to come...we just wanted to make this announcement on Thanksgiving as we are overflowing with joy and extremely thankful! I still can't believe I am writing this! The pictures I wanted to share won't upload! Will try again tomorrow. Happy Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 5, 2012

November=Adoption Awareness Month

November is adoption awareness month. Somewhere there is a lady who is pregnant and can't parent. She is choosing to make an adoption plan for her baby rather than to terminate the pregnancy. She could be young, she could be older, single or married. This lady is probably very scared and emotional...meeting strangers who she will then select to parent her child. I can't even begin to imagine how tough of a decision this is for women, but I am so thankful for adoption. Otherwise, we would not be able to have the child we long for and have waited so long for. I will be honoring the selfless act of adoption every day this month. This is what I am truly thankful for this year. Here is a great song that really speaks volumes....

Sunday, October 21, 2012

so true!

SO blessed to have such wonderful family and friends to support us through the adoption process. <3

Thursday, October 18, 2012

One of those days

Today has just been one of those days. I have just felt sad and like this is never going to happen. I guess you just hear so many stories about people getting their profile finished and matched immediately. We have not even talked to a birth mother yet. Yes, I know I have to be patient but it's much easier said than done. It's so unfair that we can't be parents yet. I always take our dogs walking every night and one of my favorite parts is seeing a few of the children that live on our street. They are always together playing and LOVE our dogs. I always stop and let them pet the dogs and they crack me up with the funny things children ages 4-6 say. Tonight one of the boys (he is the youngest at 4) ran up to me telling me he was going to the dentist tomorrow. Then they all chimed in about how they have never had cavities,have a loose tooth, etc. I walked away wishing I had children to take to the dentist and laugh at the little tidbits of information they offer. We have waited so long and it really doesn't get any easier. I know there is a child that will be placed into our lives, but just wish this could happen soon.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Blogging from 30,000 feet

I have to say that flying is my absolute least favorite thing to do in this entire world. I freak out majorly and have extreme anxiety about it. I think it's because every flight I am ever on seems to be turbulent....always fun. Luckily the leg of my flight from Detroit to Boston has been smooth so far. I'm headed to a sales meeting for 3 days. Not much to update on the adoption front. Still hopeful to start having conversations with birth mothers very soon. We did send our profiles to many guidance counselors and OBGYN offices. We really want to be as aggressive about this as possible. There is a great forum with Abrazo that we love to frequent and read about all the topics. It really is just about every subject that you can think of having to do with adoption! There is even a section for grandparents to learn more about adoption and be a big part of this process. We also made books for our parents with some really great articles on adoption and especially open adoption. We included just about everything that we can do to keep them as educated and informed as possible. Adoption is such a big process and can be very confusing. In the mean time we are enjoying our time together, traveling to lots of Alabama football games this season. Brian is so great about keeping me level headed. There are so many days I get sad and frustrated that we don't have a child but it will all come with time and as he tells me all the time I just have to be patient. We really appreciate all of your continued prayers and support. I think I may faint when we do get that first phone call!!!!

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Update on where we are in the process

Brian and I finished our home study at the end of August and then went full speed ahead to finish our profile book for the birth parents to view and select who might be a potential match. We sent it in mid-September and are now anxiously awaiting the conversations with birth parents to begin. We wake up every day hoping today will be the day! It feels good to have the massive amounts of paperwork to begin this process complete. Yes, I know there will be lots more later on, but it is nice to have a little breather for now. We can't wait to keep checking off the items on our list that will get us closer to bringing our baby home!

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Dear sweet baby, I know we have no idea when we will meet your birth mother to be picked to adopt you. We can't wait for that day! One thing you will learn about your mother is that she LOVES to shop. We are doing a major overhaul on the closets in our house to make sure you have plenty of room for all the wonderful items to outfit your wardrobe. Your mother has been VERY busy shopping already, as well as one of your grandmothers (gigi) Lauren's mother. We can't wait to meet you...hopefully it will be very soon!!! Love, Mom and Dad PS- here is a picture of a few sweet little gowns and outfits that we look forward to cuddling you in.

Monday, September 24, 2012


LOVE this little necklace my sweet mother gave me. Waking up every day knowing we are one day closer is a great feeling!!!

Saturday, September 1, 2012

One year later...

I was reflecting on my 34th year of life as I celebrated 35 on Thursday. Last year we had just received the news that our first IVF cycle had failed a few days before my birthday. I can't explain the hopeless feelings we endured and read my blog entries from last year around this time. We have come so incredibly far since then...a second failed IVF, a failed surrogacy as well as an adoption scam, selecting an agency to work with, doing a home study, losing my job due to a company restructure, interviewing, and accepting a position to start a new career. We went through way more than I thought was humanly possible. I am certain this year is going to be the best yet. We have so much hope and the weight is slowly being lifted as we know that we will be parents very soon. Every day what keeps us going is knowing that somewhere out there a birth mother is either pregnant or about to conceive and carry our precious child. All we can do is smile when we think about this. I can only imagine what this year will bring and can't wait to find out! My birthday candles were extra special this year. Especially the ones I got to blow out at Abrazo while we were at orientation! Here's to hoping all of my wishes come true!

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Where we are supposed to be

SO MUCH has happened since my last post...... Brian and I started hearing about an agency called "Abrazo Adoption associates" in July. After talking to many agencies that we didn't love, it was refreshing to hear about Abrazo. Suddenly we heard about Abrazo from several people with really great things said about this agency. We were interested and had to know more. We submitted an application for the "Parents of Tomorrow" orientation class, praying we would make it to the August group. The next class is November and we are SO READY. Especially now that our home study is COMPLETE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Which is part of the reason I have not been blogging, we have been very busy filling out massive amounts of paperwork...probably equivalent to about 3 trees worth! We were accepted to the class (YAY!) and made plans to visit San Antonio for this exciting weekend. This was the first BIG step and it felt pretty amazing to have something set in stone. Last weekend we traveled to San Antonio and attended (what I have to say is the very best money we have invested in our adoption search this far) orientation! Brian and I had a little time on Friday to sight see and enjoy San Antonio. The Riverwalk is so much fun! we arrived to the agency on Friday night and immediately felt right at home. We met 3 awesome couples- 2 who are "first timers" (one couple from TX and another Memphis couple!) and one couple who is an "againer"from TX and has a precious little boy who is 3.They were so helpful as they have been through this before. We all knew we were going to be friends for life after getting to know each other quickly bonding over infertility stories, passing the kleenex around as we all shared how we found our way here. The 3 ladies from abrazo were incredibly hospitable and guided us all through the weekend. They even took us to see "The Odd Life of Timothy Green" Friday night which I sobbed my way through! My favorite part of the weekend was listening to the birth mothers speak about their experiences. What incredible, selfless women! After tons of tears and laughter, we completed our orientation Saturday night and were accepted into the program with Abrazo! of course they took us out to eat a great Texas meal with Mexican food and Margaritas :) It was sad to say our goodbyes but exciting to know that we were all one step further and will get to follow each others stories unfold!!!! I can't even describe the hope that Brian and I felt after leaving Texas on Sunday. This was the first event in our journey that will result in a child no matter what. What an incredible feeling! Abrazo sent us home with a little more paperwork, which we will have to them by Wednesday. They will read our home study and we are officially ready to adopt!!!!!!! we have been working on our profile book and almost have it ready to go as well. This is getting very real and we can't wait to start having conversations with birth parents!!!!!! I am making it a priority to blog a lot more to document this exciting time in our lives. I know the moment we see our child all of the pain and heartache we have endured will be worth every minute. Please keep us in your prayers in our adoption journey!!!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

My conversation with an amazing birthmother

Monday I received an email informing me of a wonderful lady who is pregnant. I was so thrilled to hear of this and the adrenaline started pumping through my body. I was given her name and decided to reach out. I emailed her and within a few minutes she emailed me back and we quickly decided to have a phone conversation. I was praying that she did not have an adoption plan for her child!!! We immediately bonded on the phone and spoke for 2 hours. I can't even begin to describe the amount of respect I feel for this woman. She chose life and went through an agency and had already picked a family. She was absolutely thrilled and the joy-love in her voice was overflowing. I did not want to hang up the phone with her!!! Any sadness that this was not going to be our child went away after hearing about her relationship with the family she chose. Wow! Yesterday I sent her a message thanking her for our conversation and wishing her all the very best and she sent me such an inspiring message: Lauren, Prayers out to you as you start this new journey, know and trust God is in control, he will give you EVERYTHING that is needed...Jeremiah 29:11. Cherish this verse!!!!!! I use to put the verse everywhere I felt weak or alone...At one time I had it on the windshield in my car, there were mornings I didn't want to go to work and i'd have to be reminded of his plans for me...I've put it in the shower too, I cried many times there feeling like my life had no direction...You have a purpose to be here, let God take your worries and cares and he will come through!!!!!You are an amazing mother to be and there is a gift waiting to be given to you, be patient for his blessings.
I will remember our conversation every day and will be inspired by her story. I plan to keep this verse close to me at all times. We are so incredibly excited to see what God's plan is for us!

Monday, August 6, 2012

Lake house almost finished!

Brian and I have worked so hard on getting our lake house finished. we have really enjoyed it and spent a ton of time over there this summer. It is the perfect getaway! Here are some pictures of the (almost) finished product. We need new kitchen counters and a good pressure washing on the exterior. Home sweet home :)

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Since I have been neglecting my blog I have decided to back track and post about many exciting things that have happened over the last several months. At the top of the list- Brian and I are God parents! We are the proud God Parents to the most precious baby and adore him so much! We were incredibly honored when our friends Fred and Ellen asked us to fulfill the role of being Little Fred's God Parents! :) Recently Little Fred was baptized and we had such a fun weekend with their families who we love so much. There are no words to describe how beautiful his christening gown was. It has been worn by all of the babies on Big Fred's side of the family. Amazing heirloom! Such a fun weekend for this sweet angel!
We love you sweet little Fred!
Brian and I are certainly blessed with so many loving friends and family. Thanks for the tremendous amount of support that you offered this week. We are blessed! As expected, we have not heard a word from the people who did this. I keep saying closure would have made this easier, but I wouldn't believe one word that came out of their mouths anyway! Honestly, I am not sure how they can sleep at night knowing how they did this. But I guess that is how sociopaths operate! On another note...I feel like we are healing very well. We got a TON accomplished this week! We have started our home study for adoption, which is expected to take 6 weeks. We have narrowed it down to a couple of agencies and have a GREAT feeling about this! It feels really good to start this process and have guidance along the way from many experienced people. The home study has really sparked my inner cleaning Goddess to come out. I have been on a roll cleaning out closets, pantry, etc. Major cleaning going on at the Yoakum house! It has been a good rainy weekend to get started on paperwork and mapping out the steps of all that we need to do for the home study. It is truly the most amazing feeling to know that we will have a baby soon...within a year hopefully!!!!! VERY exciting! Thanks so much for all of your love and support! Love, lauren

Sunday, July 8, 2012

I can't even begin to describe the pain brian and I have endured once again. Blow after blow after blow it seems. we are so ready for some good news! It HAS to happen. I know God has a plan and have to keep this at the front of my mind constantly. Sometimes it is tough when everything seems to fall into place for everyone else around us. Infertility is a cruel thing to have to live with and endure. I wanted to blog this morning about what brian and I have been going through over the last few months. Somehow this is a great outlet for me to release my sorrow, frustrations and anger that I have right now! Brian and I were introduced to a couple in January after IVF failed, through a friend who was willing to do anything in her power because our infertility story pained her so much. She was amazing and we thought we had a great plan. We were introduced to a family who seemed to be the perfect fit for helping us and we devised a plan. They had 2 children already and she was willing, able and thrilled to be a surrogate for us. In march we did the procedure with a specialist in Atlanta who specialized in surrogacy and endured more heartbreak with the news of yet another failed fertility procedure. Once again, no pregnancy. Weeks went on and we were unsure of what to do dealing with the flood of emotions that we have really gotten to know over the last 2 and a half years. This family had made the decision that they wanted to have a baby and have us adopt this child. They had their 2 precious children and in no way could have 3. We went around in circles with wondering if someone could actually go through with this. But we had heard stories of others where this worked and decided we wanted this. The family reassured us on a daily basis that they were going to do whatever it took and were in this 100% to help us. We were back to being excited and lived each day knowing the end result would be a baby. At the beginning of May we were told the news that she was pregnant! I can't even describe the pure joy we felt! Amazing! This was the week when my aunt was tragically killed in a car wreck. I felt God had created this new life for us in the midst of this tragedy. Weeks went on and we were told that she was spotting, but nothing to worry about. She had a doctors appointment but it seemed very odd that we did not get much information. However we were in contact every day and actually became very close. She knew she was our angel on Earth and God brought us together. She seemed to be thrilled and honored to help us. We were ecstatic! This past Friday, July 6, was the big day. She was going to the doctor and there was going to be an ultrasound. We were over the moon happy. At this point we had told nobody about this. Everything was being kept quiet until we saw the results of this ultrasound. At this point she would have been 10 weeks pregnant with the baby being due at the end of January. The first thing that I decided was odd was that she told me her appointment changed from July 2 to July 6. But I had complete faith in the girl. We got to know them well. Had dinner with them and their children. Completed fertility treatment with them. We knew these were good people. The second thing I noticed during her appointment that seemed strange was that I kept getting pop ups in my news feed where she was playing a game where you would guess a song after a clip was played. She had guessed about 50 songs from about 3-5 when she was at the 'doctor." I am in doctors offices daily with my job and people don't do this. She kept texting me and told me everything was great and she was going to the imaging center. The pop ups with her playing the music game kept coming. I was losing faith in a person that I thought was changing our lives. I felt like a little part of me was dying inside. Finally at 5;30 we received this:
164 bpm 7 weeks pregnant (was concerned how she went from 10 to 7 weeks but seeing that picture I put this to the side) ALL seemed right in the world suddenly. Any doubt I had went away and I sent the picture to my precious husband who was having a tough afternoon with a stressful job being an attorney. The message he sent back said "Wow. my bad day just went away. Amazing." He was so thrilled! We both were! Here was the picture of our precious baby we would meet in January. I started looking closely at the picture and decided that I wanted to be able to see everything this perfect picture said. We wanted to bathe ourselves in all the joy that comes with seeing your unborn baby on this picture. I asked her to send a clearer picture. She has an iphone and I believe an iphone takes the most clear, pristine images. Here is what I received:
My heart started to sink. I knew at this moment that she wasn't at the doctor. She was not having an ultrasound. I asked for another clear image and she said she would send as soon as she got home. We never saw that picture....because there wasn't one. brian and I sat in silence friday night. Hours passed. I sent her several messages asking if she would send the clear picture as I kept noticing the feeds come through of this girl playing her song game. But no reply to us. We felt like someone had sucked the life out of us, which is pretty accurate of what these people did. Finally we called them and left a message. Around 8:30 I received a message from her telling me she and her husband were going to talk after the children went to bed. I begged her to please keep me informed. Just hours before she was so excited to help! Here it is Sunday am and we still have not heard anything. I sent her a message yesterday asking her to please call us and have not heard one thing. I will never understand how someone could be this cruel. This is actually worse than a failed IVF. This girl was a friend. I loved her and her children. I loved hearing from her every day and cared the world for them. We had such a bond. Was she even pregnant? Did they have a change of heart? I could understand if they decided they could not go through this, but would have respected them so much for being up front and honest with us. The way this was handled was cruel and heartbreaking. wrong on so many levels. It will take us a long time to heal and it certainly makes me question putting my trust in anyone. I am always such a trusting person and see the best in people. I think that has been taken away from me forever after this! brian and I appreciate your prayers so much. I am heartbroken that so much of our time has been wasted and we are left with nothing but a severed heart. We pray that God will lead us in the right direction and help us through this.

Friday, July 6, 2012

feel like giving up...

Infertility is tough. Just when you think you have a great plan figured out you fall flat on your face and are back again at square one. I hate this all so much. When will this end and we have a child??? Such a cruel word we live in!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Please pray

Friends, Please keep my family in your prayers. My aunt lost her life yesterday afternoon in a tragic car accident. It is so hard to understand. Life is so precious. My aunt Kay was blessed last year with 3 grandchildren all within a few months of each other- Bailey Grace, Braden and Abby. She dearly loved her first grandson, Clayton Henry. Kay had 3 children- Alex, Rachel and Haley, a husband- John, 2 brothers- Lewis (my dad) and Bert, and my precious grandmother who is so broken after losing her only daughter. Please pray for peace and understanding. we will cherish all the wonderful memories!

Sunday, April 29, 2012

We had such a fun weekend. We moved our stuff to the lake Friday night because we finally finished the house! we pulled up late Friday and our whole neighborhood basically came to help us unload the trailer. Then we went and had some beers with the locals who live in the neighborhood which was hilarious!Apparently there was a panther on the loose at the lake. We got a good laugh out of that. A panther in Arkansas? They are really good people and we are excited to be here. We enjoyed being on the water yesterday and today and I was able to wakeboard for the first time this year. It was freezing but worth it! It feels good to have the first sun of the year too. I definitely made up for my vitamin d deficiency :) we are looking forward to being at our little lake getaway a ton this summer! I am thrilled for friends who had their baby. She and I were going through IVF #1 at the same time. Our transfer dates were one day apart. It breaks my heart thinking we would have our baby if it had worked. But I am keeping my head high and remembering their is a plan for us.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Just one of those days...

Today has been one of those days. I don't really know why but I have just been really aware and sad about infertility today. Maybe because i was told "just adopt and you will get pregnant" or "take geritol and you will have a baby" or "just get tequila and you will get pregnant" um, glad to know we wasted all of our time, energy and money people when we could have done these remedies...geez! I am so thrilled for everyone around me with children or getting pregnant, but I just feel sad. Especially with many of my friends having child #2 or 3. You always wonder what your child will look like with your spouse- that's part of the fun of being married, wondering what your kids will look like. It is quite clear Brian and I never will have a child of our own. It hurts. I have to remind myself that God has a plan. I am certainly becoming impatient and need to get better at this. Infertility is super crazy emotional! I am ready to close this chapter in our lives very soon with a happy ending. Please answer our prayers!

Friday, April 20, 2012

Once again I have been a terrible blogger. I am not liking the new format on blogger! It is definitely going to take getting used to. I hope everyone has been doing well. We have had so much going on and have almost completed our Horseshoe Lake fixer upper! It has been a fun weekend project and I love seeing all the hard work we put into this. It has been a great way for us to put our energy and time into something that isn't fertility related. Now we get to enjoy the house. we are spending our first night over there tomorrow! In my last post I had mentioned that we would hopefully have some exciting news, but unfortunately it did not work out quite the way we had hoped. Brian and I have been very open with everything along the way on this infertility journey, so I wanted to share.... After IVF 2 failed we decided that we were done with fertility treatments. I physically and mentally could not take any more. I checked out. After putting your heart, soul and everything into intense fertility treatments that keep failing you have to regroup. Of course I wanted time for our wounds to heal, but also didn't want to miss a beat. I have always been a person that is impatient when it comes to achieving goals in life, etc. We have waited so long for this and we are so ready for some good news. So we decided to start pursuing private adoption. We thought we would give this a shot before we decided to get on board with an expensive agency. we met with an attorney and talked to some amazing people who had wonderful stories of how they found birth mothers by just getting the word out to everyone they knew! We could do this...especially as open as we have been with this! Through this we had a friend who reached out to a friend of hers with a high school aged daughter to spread the word that if there are any pregnant teens at her school to please keep us in mind. Little did we know what was about to happen... Our friend who has the HS daughter has a best friend who heard our story and wanted to help us. She was willing to do whatever it took. We instantly bonded and I swear it felt like she was my long lost sister (along with Carrie D. who I know we were somehow separated at birth!) as we had so much in common around beliefs, life, family, etc. We went down to Mississippi and had dinner with her, her husband and their 2 precious children! We were feeling really good about this and were all coming together with a plan. It was amazing to have such compassion from people who we just met! We decided we wanted to have this wonderful girl carry our baby. We were all so thrilled and knew this was it and we were finally going to have a baby! We did the procedure and waited the 2 weeks. The waiting game felt like forever! Our surrogate is so precious and we were in touch non stop. She wanted this as bad as us! We just knew she was pregnant. test time came around and unfortunately this did not work. We were all so crushed. ANOTHER failed treatment. WHY? Enough is enough! We were all just broken hearted. Our surrogate is amazing. I love this girl so much because she has a heart of gold. She wants this to happen for us! She is completely invested and said she will do whatever it takes to get us our miracle baby. There is still a ray of hope. Please pray that we will have our prayers answered soon! We appreciate your love and support so incredibly much! Love, Lauren

Saturday, March 10, 2012

pics of our lake house project

Brian and I definitely have our work cut out but have enjoyed it so much so far! It feels really good to work hard on a project and see the results. The carpet was disgusting and the walls had 100s of holes we had to patch. We have the paint finished in 2 rooms so far and all the gross carpet is out of the house!

Catching up

Hello friends! I hope everyone is doing great. I can't wait to take some time this afternoon to catch up on everyones blogs. I have been so busy lately and have not been good about updating my blog. I would have thought having this time off would give me much more time to do a lot more things. I have been non-stop crazy busy.
brian and I purchased a fixer-upper at the lake and have been super busy painting, ripping up the floors, etc. I have also been sick and just not able to stay well lately! So over it.
We have some big things going on in our life that I will elaborate more on later, and No we are not expecting in case you were wondering. :)

Hope everyone has a great weekend!


Sunday, January 29, 2012

I have been a bad blogger lately

I think January can go down in the books as the worst month ever for us.
Failed IVF
Lost my job due to company restructure
and I can't stay well! I have pretty much been sick this entire month! I am OVER it!

We are counting down the days until this month is over.

I have stayed so busy since the lay off. I immediately started on my resume and Brian helped me perfect it. Job searching is definitely a full time job! But I had one interview with a dermatology company last week. Then another with a company selling children's nutrition products tomorrow, and a third interview for a diabetes position. I am so glad that there are jobs out there.

ideally, my dream job would be to do something for animal rights-rescue. I would love that so much! But unfortunately there is no money to be made there. Hopefully we will be in a position one day where I can make that dream come true. Until then I will continue to do it during my free time :)

On the baby front we have not really done much since operation: Find a job has been at the top of the list. i think about it all the time though and just wish I could figure it out. I am wondering if this is God's way of telling us that I don't need to carry a baby. I have always been sickly with asthma, allergies and sinus issues. maybe a pregnancy would be too much on my body?
We have talked to several adoption agencies but think we may pursue private adoption first and see what happens. I also want to be very healthy- physically and mentally before we do a frozen cycle with the frozen embryos. The idea of adoption first, then frozen cycle is becoming more and more appealing to me. I am honestly scared of all of the meds that come with IVF cycles. It is just so much and I am afraid of long term side effects. As much as I have put my body through recently it is begging for a break.

Has anyone pursued private adoption? I appreciate any insight.

Now that I have more time I am going to blog more often. Hopefully some great things are in store for the rest of the year. I do believe we can only go up from here as bad as this month has been!

Friday, January 20, 2012

a hard week...

I know several of you guys have sent me messages asking if I still have my job. Unfortunately I was part of the "restructure" and was one of many that were displaced. It's always disappointing to leave a job that you truly love. And even though it had nothing to do with my performance my feelings are hurt and I am sad, mad and about 1000 other emotions!
Luckily they have a package they offered us that gives me a little "security" for a while. It's a lot to process right now in the midst of everything else going on with infertility. I am so glad we got both of our IVF cycles in last year as I had fertility insurance which is super rare and I was extremely fortunate to have. I just pray I can find an even better job that I love as much as I did my previous one.
I am looking forward to a bit of down time and regrouping. I really need it right now. I got up this am and went to Pure Barre and am going to enjoy lunch with a good friend who is in town.
If anyone has any medical sales recruiter info, I would love any information!
I know God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but I am getting pretty close!
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers


Thursday, January 12, 2012

good song...

Always loved this song but especially now!!!!!

can I catch a break, PLEASE?


I have tried to keep myself as busy as possible by working, etc. Monday I ended up having to get a sinus cocktail shot for the never ending sinus infection I developed Jan 1- just couldn't stay away from shots!!!

Unfortunately my company is doing a restructure and I should know by next week if I will have a job. I know there is never a good time to lose a job, but right now could not be worse timing. I am not mentally prepared to interview and look for another job. The medical sales world is brutal and the interview process is hell. I am praying I will not be part of this lay off. I have been with this company for almost 5 years and really love my job. I am worried because there are 2 memphis reps- myself and another. I have a feeling they will condense down to one rep. I am just trying to take this one day at a time. But last night it hit me that I feel like I don't have control of anything in my life right now. It is such a terrible feeling and super scary. I hate it! Hopefully I can catch a break soon.

I talked to my wonderful doctor yesterday and we discussed my IVF cycle. Since it took me so long to STIM, his conclusion is that it has to do with my egg quality which is the reason I am not getting pregnant. That was definitely disappointing to hear. But right now we are done with fertility treatments. I need to give my body a break. He also told me that one IVF cycle equals 2 years of trying naturally. And my chances of conceiving naturally are only 2% a month. It is highly likely I will never have a pregnancy but I am dealing with that trying to process this. I do have our frozen embryos, but am being super protective over them. I am not ready to try a frozen cycle. Something is not working and my body certainly needs some down time. I want to use them when I feel healthier and ready. We are looking into adoption and that seems to be where our heads are at right now. That is also super overwhelming! We have talked to several agencies and how in the world do you select one? We are also looking at private adoption ideas. Just wish I had a crystal ball with the answers.

Since I seem to have no control over anything in my life I decided to start exercising to escape and lose the 15 lbs I have gained through IVF. If I can't be pregnant I am going to be skinny dang it!!!!!!! I started Pure Barre and am in love with it. Most cities have a studio and it is the best escape. It's such a great workout too! It's definitely not easy, but I have already lost a few pounds. I highly rec it for fast results and a 55 minute getaway from life.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012


I feel like I am walking around in a daze. I am so angry and then upset. I feel like I am going to come out of my skin. UGH. I hate all of these emotions. I have had no motivation and just feel helpless. This is way worse than August was. I wish I could wake up and this all be a bad dream. When do these horrible emotions go away? This is truly the worst I have felt ever.

I have started trying to process everything and I am scared to death. This should have worked. My wonderful dr (who has checked in w me everyday to make sure I am ok- can't say enough good things about TRM. He has been in our shoes several times before!) was confident it was going to. Everything went well and SO much better than last time! WHY can't I get pregnant? It makes no sense. I know IVF can be a numbers game, but you can only be defeated so long before you give up.
I am afraid to even use any of the 3 embryos at this point because if my body is not getting pregnant, then what's the point? I would rather save them to use later hoping that something might change then. There is no way in hell I want to do a fresh IVF cycle. No way. We spent 9 out of 12 months last year on meds and doing treatments. My body seriously needs a break. I am 100% not myself and am just exhausted with all of this.

But I am afraid. I don't even remember what life was like before infertility. We have been so focused for so long. To not take meds, shots have ultrasounds, blood work, etc. would be a whole different way of life. I am ready for it but truly afraid at the same time. I will be 35 this year and the fear of us never having a biological child is extremely real. It sucks and makes me mad at God. I watch the news here and just want to beat the crap out of people who are so awful and call themselves parents. This is all so painful.

Failure is the worst feeling in the world. I want to just pick myself up and try again but enough is enough. And as I said, all of these meds can't be good for me. I don't want to just stop everything and take a break. We have talked to several people-agencies about adoption and will make a decision as to what our next steps will be soon. We started looking into this before IVF after our IUI's did not work. Dr. Murray and I are going to talk this week or weekend. I haven't been able to talk to him yet bc I am so emotional and don't want to spend our conversation crying. It will help to talk to him. I just wish I had started with him from the start in October of 2010 when I picked a RE.

thank you for the outpouring of love and support. It makes this hell we are going through a little easier. Thank you all!

Monday, January 2, 2012


I know many of my blogger friends have adopted or are in the process of adopting. I wanted to find out which agencies you have worked with and what your experience is-was like. We have talked to several agencies starting last Spring after our failed IUI's but wanted to pursue the most aggressive form of fertility treatment with IVF before we made any decisions. and with my fertility insurance it made sense.
Would love any insight! is my email.
And thank you for all of your words of encouragement. I am still numb and broken hearted, angry, confused and about 1,000 other emotions. This is certainly the worst thing I have ever been through in my life and extremely hard to understand. I am so glad that I was off work today and had another day to just process this. I am still in my pajamas at 3:30 but deserve this today. Just hope I have the strength to make it through the rest of the week.
Not a fan of 2012 so far!

Sunday, January 1, 2012


Unfortunately I don't have any good news. IVF #2 did not work.
So heartbroken and heard to understand.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers during this hard time.

a weekend get away from infertility???

Still no news on beta. this is absolute hell. Complete torture.

I was thinking. 2011 has been a really crappy year for so many of us struggling with infertility. I know I am ready for a break! We have a lake house at a lake (Horseshoe lake Arkansas) about 40 minutes from memphis. It is nothing fancy and we share it with other members since it's a fishing club. It has 4 bedrooms and each bedroom has a queen and 3 twin beds, equaling 16 beds total. It's like camp piling in with friends and family!

I was thinking it would be so fun to get a group together and have a much needed weekend get away! There is a wonderful dock to relax on and we also have a ski boat with water skiis, tube, wake board, etc..The porch is heaven with rocking chairs and swings. There is a fun little restaurant with the best people watching and karaoke too, Which is hilarious watching some of the locals. It's truly our home away form home in the summer. Oh there is also a huge kitchen and grills so we have the option to cook.

I Would love to have a weekend away from infertility this spring. If anybody is interested let me know. It starts getting warm here in April, but mid may or june would be ideal since the water would be swimming temp by then.
let me know if you might be interested and we could coordinate dates. If people wanted to bring husbands, we could make that work too!
here are a few pictures- It has been completely painted and had some renovations done and looks a million times better.