Tuesday, January 3, 2012

When?

I feel like I am walking around in a daze. I am so angry and then upset. I feel like I am going to come out of my skin. UGH. I hate all of these emotions. I have had no motivation and just feel helpless. This is way worse than August was. I wish I could wake up and this all be a bad dream. When do these horrible emotions go away? This is truly the worst I have felt ever.

I have started trying to process everything and I am scared to death. This should have worked. My wonderful dr (who has checked in w me everyday to make sure I am ok- can't say enough good things about TRM. He has been in our shoes several times before!) was confident it was going to. Everything went well and SO much better than last time! WHY can't I get pregnant? It makes no sense. I know IVF can be a numbers game, but you can only be defeated so long before you give up.
I am afraid to even use any of the 3 embryos at this point because if my body is not getting pregnant, then what's the point? I would rather save them to use later hoping that something might change then. There is no way in hell I want to do a fresh IVF cycle. No way. We spent 9 out of 12 months last year on meds and doing treatments. My body seriously needs a break. I am 100% not myself and am just exhausted with all of this.

But I am afraid. I don't even remember what life was like before infertility. We have been so focused for so long. To not take meds, shots have ultrasounds, blood work, etc. would be a whole different way of life. I am ready for it but truly afraid at the same time. I will be 35 this year and the fear of us never having a biological child is extremely real. It sucks and makes me mad at God. I watch the news here and just want to beat the crap out of people who are so awful and call themselves parents. This is all so painful.

Failure is the worst feeling in the world. I want to just pick myself up and try again but enough is enough. And as I said, all of these meds can't be good for me. I don't want to just stop everything and take a break. We have talked to several people-agencies about adoption and will make a decision as to what our next steps will be soon. We started looking into this before IVF after our IUI's did not work. Dr. Murray and I are going to talk this week or weekend. I haven't been able to talk to him yet bc I am so emotional and don't want to spend our conversation crying. It will help to talk to him. I just wish I had started with him from the start in October of 2010 when I picked a RE.

thank you for the outpouring of love and support. It makes this hell we are going through a little easier. Thank you all!

10 comments:

  1. There are no words I can say that will make you feel any better, but know that I am thinking about you and praying for you. I have been there too, when I hated god, and seeing undeserving people with children made me want to beat them up! I have not been on even a half of the journey you have been on, but no matter what journey IF takes us on it sucks! and only time will help you heal. I hope that you feel better soon, sending you lots of hugs
    -Alexis

    ReplyDelete
  2. :( I'm so sorry. I wish I could magically make everything different and better and pregnant! It really isn't fair at all. I totally get needing to let your body take a break. I can imagine all the emotions you are going through...sad...angry..SAD :( Hopefully the answer will come to ou soon as what steps you want to take next. I know it's not an easy decision. Hang in there xo

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. You're right- infertility isn't fair. There's nothing about losing babies or not being able to get pregnant that makes sense. Only you and your RE can make the decision about where to go from here, but we will be waiting to cheer you on in your next endeavor. Don't give up.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hey lady,

    I feel the same way about my IVF. It was SUPPOSED TO WORK! I'm young and healthy despite my HA. I just turned 33. How is it possible I have poor egg quality. My RE said "this is going to happen". When it didn't I think we all were shocked. I was definitely in shock. My feelings towards my failed IVF did not come out until about 20-30 days afterwards and now I am so scared. We found out I have high FSH. She wants me to do PGD and ICSI and Human Growth Hormone, putting another IVF at $25,000. Totally out of pocket, because my lifetime insurance ran out in the middle of last cycle. She said she believes I"m still 40% chance of concieving. How do we take that gamble?

    It's a nightmare. And I am totally there with you. That's all I wanted you to know. I didn't come to vent on your blog, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

    My husband and I were just speaking last night about how our lives have completely changed because of IF and we are not the same people we were before, we are closer, but definitely more disconnected from the rest of the world. I wonder, when will this stop? When will I be myself? Who am I even anymore?

    ReplyDelete
  5. I remember those feelings well when we failed our 2nd IVF last May/June. It was awful, just plain awful. I had a tough time too because people expected me to bounce back quicker having been through it before, but the fear, the fear of it never working was horrible!! I also had C bouncing between maybe adoption and heck no adoption to contend with.
    It takes a lot to take the next step and even more to decide what that next step is. We waited almost 6 months until we did and it was a last stitch effort to appease C. IVF is an odds game to a point...I believe a lot is luck and the other part our are bodies. Unfortunately we can't always tell what is happening inside them and while everything looks perfect, something obviously isn't. Our first two cylces we were told were 'perfect' and the RE's were shell shocked they didn't work. No comfort there for us! If there was a reason maybe it would be easier to stomach.
    I hope with talking to him a reason may be found. If not, I hope you find some peace and are able to take your next step forward, whatever it is an find happiness. The one good thing is that you DO have frosties...that means there is still a chance! Don't give up on yourself. xo

    ReplyDelete
  6. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. I can't imagine you pain. One good thing is you have frozen embryos. Perhaps you can do and endo biopsy to make sure your uterus has the beta 3 intergins. Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I feel ALL of this post! I am praying that God leads you to his path..whatever that may be...and provides you with comfort during this trying time. I'm thinking of you, hurting for you, and praying for you to find some peace. XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  8. I know there are no words that I can say to make you feel better. Please know that thoughts and prayers are sent your way during this unfair part of your life. Hoping sunshine returns soon for you and your Hubby.

    Joey
    http://thechildlessmom.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  9. My heart hurts for you. So sorry you have to go through this. It's okay to take this time to be sad and mourn over what could have and what should have been. Know that you did everything you could to make it work. It was nothing you did. You will be okay. You are a strong woman or you wouldn't have gotten to where you are now. Keep your head up and your faith strong. You will have your day. Stay strong.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm so sorry sweetie. Give your time to mourn and grieve your loss then when you're ready, move onto the next steps, whatever they will be.
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete