thoughts...

24 more hours. I can't even describe how nervous I am!

Tomorrow we find out if we will be parents. If my mom and Kim, Dad and Virginia, and Linda will be grandparents. If our 3 grandmothers will be great grandmothers. If our sisters- Jennifer, Margaret and Mary will be aunts. If our brother in law, Jimmy will be an uncle. And our brother KC and his wife janna will be an aunt and uncle. If James and Ella will be cousins. It is truly the biggest moment of our lives together so far!


I will never forget what it felt like in August to get the news that our IVF cycle did not work. I couldn't comprehend anything the nurse (who I had never met that called to give me the news which INFURIATED ME!) past the word negative. I hung up the phone and just cried and cried and cried. I think I cried for about a week straight. Thank God for brian being there and strong for us.
And for wine!
I am so scared to answer the phone tomorrow! I do not EVER want to feel that horrible pain again. It was similar to getting a call that someone had passed away. Dr. Murray, who I could go on about all day long and how phenomenal of a dr he is, will be the one to call us with the results. The way it SHOULD be! He has been so incredibly kind and wonderful to us. Whatever the outcome, it will be more comforting to hear from him.

This cycle has been a difficult one. We were away from home for the majority of December. I started off very slow, but things certainly turned around. We made it to a 5 day transfer as opposed to a 3 day transfer. My estrogen was almost 4000 compared to 1000 with first IVF. I STIMMED for 18 days and ended my shot tally with around 90 injections. That's alot of meds my body has had to process and deal with. I am worried abut my egg quality not being the best and just praying so hard that my body was a better incubator for these embryos than anywhere else.
We have put everything into this IVF cycle. Starting with very specific instructions around diet (nothing cold, organic, no dairy, whole grains and a long list of others) herbs, visualization, chi gong and preparing my body for this per Dr. Judi- my acupuncture dr. I have seen her since August- once weekly, then 2 times a week starting in October. She wanted to create the best follicles and I followed her strict instructions from August on. Very hard lifestyle changes! She is the fertility guru and has a crazy good success rate. I hope and pray we are one of her successful couples!
As Brian constantly reminds me- we have done everything humanly possible that we can do.

I can certainly understand why Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM says that being diagnosed with infertility and failure after failure are the same emotions that a cancer patient goes through. I pray that the 8 months of this year that we have spent on fertility medicines or doing procedures will be finished. We are ready to be done. My body needs a break and just wants to have a healthy pregnancy.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be positive tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for all of your support- I seriously couldn't get through all of this without my outlet of blogging and your words of inspiration and encouragement!

Love-
lauren
Here's how much Follistim it took us to get my follicles ready! OUCH! (And of course Menopur, Lupron, Siazen, Dexamethasone, asprin, crinone, estradiol)
We filled 2 sharps containers this go round