Wednesday, August 24, 2011

when do the tears stop?

We are heartbroken. IVF did not work for us. All that we have worked so hard for the last few months is gone. This honestly feels similar to what experiencing a death is like to me.
Brian and I met at home today at noon to wait for the call. They gave us a window between 12-2. We sat in silence just waiting. When the phone rang I answered it and failed to put it on speaker. I didn't hear one word past "unfortunately negative" and burst into tears. Brian had to call back to get further instructions. I "de-IVF'd" our house. No more sharps containers, pictures of embryos, lists of meds or anything having to do with any of this as a reminder. After about an hour of constant tears and anger I went in the backyard and tilled up mulch beds. It felt good to let anger out and hit the ground! I had to do something to release these emotions.
I'm so angry! Why? Why? Why? We did everything right! We had 2 high grade embryos. Why did they do a 3 day instead of a 5 day transfer? We had one make it to a 6 day blastocyst. And I believe the 2 they implanted would have made it to blastocysts as well. I know the doctor makes the decisions, but this is our life too! They would have had such a better chance of surviving. Its all so overwhelming and I want answers. Right now!
Unfortunately, the doctor has to meet with the whole embryology team to see what went wrong, what could have been done better, etc. The doctor was going to call me to give me this info. Luckily brian explained that this is better suited as a sit down meeting and we need to be "fit in" to his solidly booked calendar.
So where do we go from here? Our lives are forever changed. I feel like God is testing me. Its hard to understand what his plan is for us and I'm mad that he did not answer our prayers. I have a constant stream of tears. I don't even think I'm crying and look down to see tears rolling down my face. I don't even want to get out of bed tomorrow. I hope this gets easier. We appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. We were absolutely touched by the amount of messages we received today. It was so humbling. We need prayers now more than ever.

4 comments:

  1. "God's sense of timing will confound ours, no matter what culture we're from. His grace rarely operates according to our schedule."

    The above is a quote that has gotten me through a lot of heartache on our two year journey to get pregnant. I hope it can give you some comfort, too.

    Before I say I am sorry and all that, I want you to know that I am praying for you. I am praying that your broken heart heals quickly. I am praying that you feel stronger with every day, and that you don't this IVF failure keep you down for long. Odds are still VERY much in your favor that things will work out for you the next time. I am sure your RE will tell you that, too.

    I remember praying to God when I had found out that I was pregnant the first time with my ectopic baby. I prayed so hard to Him. I had my great-grandmother's rosary in my sweaty palms, and I prayed and cried that He'd let me keep my baby. But, He didn't. It was not my time yet no matter how much I wanted it or felt I deserved it. I was angry like you. I felt that I was being punished. I felt that my life was one big black cloud. I felt hopeless. But thankfully, that feeling passed little by little. And it will for you, too.

    Thinking of you. This is not the end. You will become pregnant one day and become a mom. I really believe that. So should you.

    Lots of love from Istanbul,

    Wendy

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  2. I am so so sorry :,( ((((BIG HUGS)))

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  3. My heart breaks for you all. My prayers are with you. I'm so, so sorry.

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  4. I know how much this hurts. Take all the time you need to grieve. You are a fighter and your miracle baby will come! I love that quote above from Wendy.

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